A Very Foul Mouthed Recap: SHERLOCK HOLMES
by The Recapper of Badassery
Summary: A recap of Sherlock Holmes. Is it accurate? BARELY. Is it fun? I HOPE SO. Is it safe-for-work? NOT UNLESS YOU'RE A SAILOR. Will it kill about an hour of your time? PROBABLY. Do you have that kind of time to waste? YES.
1. Chapter 1

**A Very Foul Mouthed Recap: SHERLOCK HOLMES**

_Have fun!_

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_Ahh, the glorious cobblestone roads we have all come to associate with 19th century England! And what's that we hear? HORSIES. NNNNEEEIGH, WHINNY! A dark carriage rumbles along the eerie street. It's ominous. Because this is England. In the 19th century. At night. Everything is eerie.

But what's inside the carriage? JUSTICE, THAT'S WHAT. It's Inspector Lestrade and our favorite doctor in the world!

DOCTAH HOWSE!? No, it's John Watson. Durr. JUDE LAW, HUBBA HUBBA.

Lestrade and Watson fiddle with their weapons and exchange intense looks. We're about to leap straight into the action of a case, it seems!

What's this? Somebody is sprinting down various alleyways! Why? I mean, the police have got plenty of carriages and space, why is this person going on foot?

Oh, it's Sherlock Holmes! That Holmes, so quirky. Running around when he could be catching a ride, but Holmes doesn't roll like that, yo. He seems to be headed for the same destination as Watson and Lestrade, though, as he skitters along wherever and jumps down off of something and rolls like a badass. Hello, Robert Downey Jr.! Sexy as always!

Holmes busts in the door of some building and quietly makes his way down some stairs. He peeks around a corner and sees a dude with a lantern guarding the spiral staircase. Brace yourself, guys, for the awesomeness that is Sherlock Holmes.

**Holmes:** Head cocked to the left...partial deafness in ear._ (slams palm over the ear) _First point of attack. Two, throat. Paralyze vocal cords. Stop screaming. _(hits the guy's throat) _Three, got to be a heavy drinker. Floating rib to the liver. _(punches him in the gut)_ Four, finally, dragging left leg. Fist to patella. _(punches him in the knee)_ Summary of prognosis, conscious is 90 seconds. Martial efficacy, quarter of an hour at best. Full faculty recovery...unlikely.

He can fight, guys. Now, let's see...wait, I thought he just beat that guy up?

Holmes leaps from the shadows and OH MY GOD, ALL THAT PREVIOUSLY WAS JUST HIS ANALYSIS OF WHAT HE'S GONNA DO. _Now_ he's actually putting the plan into action! It took twenty seconds for Holmes to analyze the guy and plan his attack...the actual attack? FIVE FUCKIN' SECONDS.

Welcome to Sherlock Holmes, bitches. This is the kind of stuff that happened in the books - Basil Rathbone's Holmes was great, but not the "real" Holmes everyone is so used to. Prim and proper and awesome. Holmes in this movie and the books is messy and crazy and awesome.

So the guy slumps over, and Holmes makes off with his lantern (and the guy's hat, just 'cause, lololol) down the stairs. Down stairs, some girl is wriggling around on a table. Alright, then? There's a creepy-ass lookin' guy in a creepy-ass lookin' robe with a creepy-ass lookin' hood and he's chanting in a creepy-ass soundin' foreign language. He also has a really creepy-ass lookin' snaggletooth.

Everything about him is creepy-ass. This is the villain in our movie. He is Lord Blackwood. But we're calling him Creepy-Ass Blackwood.

Holmes peeks out from the shadows as Creepy-Ass Blackwood does his ritual. He looks around at all the other guys in the room who have creepy robes with hoods because they're in cahoots with Creepy-Ass Blackwood! They're the Creepy-Ass Posse.

As Holmes observes, another guy comes up behind him, but Holmes fends him off, and then HERE COMES WATSON TO HELP! Yay! He puts the guy in a chokehold and Holmes pinches the guy's nose to keep him from making any noise. Holmes and Watson exchange cute banter as they suffocate this guy.

**Watson:** I like the hat.  
**Holmes:** I just picked it up.

Translation: It was just sooo cute, I had to have it!

**Watson:** Did you remember your revolver?  
**Holmes:** Knew I forgot something. Thought I'd left the stove on.  
**Watson:** You did.

lol. The guy goes limp, and they drop him once Watson makes sure they haven't killed him. Watson grins at Holmes, who shakes his hand and says, "Always nice to see you, Watson."

Let me just establish a few things here... I ship Holmes/Watson (excuse me while I ignore your sarcastic replies of, "I hadn't a clue!"). You don't have to ship them. I don't mind. You can ship Watson/Gladstone for all I care. But you don't have to be a Holmes/Watson shipper to know this:

70% of this movie is Holmes clinging to Watson's feet wailing "DON'T LEAVE ME FOR THAT WOMAN!" 27% of this movie is Irene being like, "I LIKE YOU BUT I WORK FOR THIS GUY" and Holmes being like, "I'M INTERESTED BUT I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT SO UH..." 3% of this movie is the actual plot.

Just sayin'.

Watson and Holmes look down at the ritual and Holmes asks where Lestrade is. According to Watson, he's getting his troops lined up. Holmes is like "THAT'LL TAKE FOREVERRRR" and they spring into action! Holmes takes out a guy, Watson takes down two AT ONCE. That's one of the things I love most about this movie. It stayed true to Watson's character in the books. Watson is NOT a bumbling fat guy who thinks Holmes is God. He's a WAR VETERAN. He can bit the shit out of just about anybody if he were so inclined. And he knows that Holmes is fucking awesome.

While all this fighting is going on Creepy-Ass Blackwoo just carries on chanting! LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU GUYS LALALA one of the Creepy-Ass Posse turns on his heel and disappears into the shadows. The girl on the table who was writhing grabs a dagger. Holmes and Watson continue to fight people. Some guy comes in shooting at Holmes, who dodges it and uses the guy he's fighting as a shield. The guy gets shot, Holmes throws the body at the shooter, knocks the gun out of his hand, he and Watson finish off whoever else they're fighting, yadda yadda yadda.

The girl is busy having a seizure over here, kthx, and for some reason this seizure still leaves her able to pick up the dagger and try to stab herself? Oookay? o.O But it's all cool, because Holmes grabs her just in time and stops her. A spooky wind blows throughout the building and snuffs out all the lights! Oooo! Creepy-Ass Blackwood stops chanting, like, "FREAKIN' A, YOU FUCKED UP MY RITUAL. *sulk*"

**Creepy-Ass Blackwood:** Sherlock Holmes. And his loyal dog. Tell me, Doctor...as a medical man, have you enjoyed my work?

Back the fuck up off of Watson, dude. I'll destroy you. Watson is with me. Pissed, he goes, "Let me show you how much I enjoyed it," and charges forward, intent on beating Creepy-Ass Blackwood into a bloody pulp.

Holmes is like EEP! "Watson! Don't!" He surges forward and stops Watson just in time, and tells him, "Observe," - there's a thin, razor-sharp glass needle inches from Watson's face. Ajjsfjfj YOU MEAN WATSON NEARLY GORED HIMSELF IN THE FACE!?!?

Watson is FREAKED. "How did you see that?"

Holmes, ever Holmes, simply says, "Because I was looking for it," and shatters the needle. He pushes Creepy-Ass Blackwood's hood back to let us see his face.

YOU GUYS. HEAR ME OUT. LORD BLACKWOOD LOOKS LIKE MATT LAUER FROM THE TODAY SHOW. No seriously, he does! I e-mailed them and everything to tell them! 8D

Watson is surprised to see that it's Blackwood, but Holmes suggests he pay more attention to Seizure Susie than to this dickhole who looks astonishingly like Matt Lauer. Watson agrees, lowering his gun, but he happily clubs Blackwood across the face before going off to examine Susie. It makes me giggle and makes me wanna bang Watson for being so damn sexy and awesome.

Just then, Lestrade and the other cops come in. LOL JUST IN TIME WE'RE SAVED YAAAY. You suck, Lestrade. But for some reason I never dislike you.

Watson says Susie needs to get to a hospital LIEK RITE NAO GUYZ. The cops carry her off and march Creepy-Ass Blackwood and his Creepy-Ass Posse out of the building. Then Lestrade turns to Holmes so he can bitch at him.

**Lestrade:** And you were supposed to wait for my orders.  
**Holmes: **If I had, you'd be cleaning up a corpse and chasing a rumor.

Ba-ZING. Suck it, Lestrade! You and your ridiculous name - every time I read it, I pronounce it in my head "luh-STRAYD" but it's actually pronounced "luh-STROD." Bah. Holmes goes on to say that he didn't have to do what Lestrade said, anyway, since he was on the case because Susie's parents hired him, not the Yard. Then he says with such an adorable face and voice, "Why they thought you'd require any assistance is beyond me."

Oh, Holmes. You're so delightfully scornful.

TITLE DROP. SHERLOCK HOLMES. DA DA DA DA DA DADAAAA.

Now we're at my favorite place in the world! 221, Baker Street! It's daytime now, and the streets are bustling. Inside the apartment, Watson is meeting with a patient, who is telling him how awesome of a doctor Watson is. Because it's true. Also, there are three figurines of naked guys in front of Watson's window. Just thought I'd point that out. It brings me many lulz.

**Patient (whom I will christen Chester McWatson-is-Cool):** Tell me something. Your new premises...when are you moving in?  
**Watson:** I should be in within the week.

What!? Watson is moving out!? Noooo! DDD: What about Holmes? Who's gonna help pay rent? Watson, WTF! (I mean I know he'll back soon because like three months after he gets married EVERY TIME, he always ends up spending more time with Holmes than he does at home with his wife. But still. Sad face.)

Watson is getting married. Ah, he's such a stud. He and Chester McWatson-is-Cool are like "lol yay girls" and then BANG BANG BANG, WE HEAR GUNSHOTS! Chester and Watson duck, but nobody seems to be firing at them. Chester is very alarmed, Watson just looks kind of embarrassed.

**Chester McWatson-is-Cool:** Good God! That was gunfire!  
**Watson:** No! No, no... hammer and nail, wasn't it? My colleague's probably just putting up a painting.

...lol sure, whatever you say.

**Chester McWatson-is-Cool:** Your colleague...  
**Watson:** Yes?  
**Chester McWatson-is-Cool:** He won't be moving with you, will he?

:D

**Watson:** No, he won't.

D:

He leaves the room and sees Mrs. Hudson, the housekeeper, who is adorable. I love her so much, I wish she was in more of the movie. She says she refuses to go in Holmes's room by herself while he has a gun in his hand. Aw, the poor lady's terrified, rofl. Watson, ever the gentleman, says she doesn't have to go in at all and takes the paper she was going to give to Holmes.

**Mrs. Hudson:** What'll I do when you leave, Doctor? He'll have the whole house down!  
**Watson: **He just needs another case, that's all.  
**Mrs. Hudson:** Couldn't you have a longer engagement?

Chin up, Mrs. Hudson! While I agree that I don't want Watson to leave, you've still dealt with Holmes alone before! What about all the years before Watson moved in?

Chester McWatson-is-Cool comes out and says he smells gunpowder. He does not approve of Holmes! Watson is embarrassed again. More gunshots! Everybody jumps! Holmes, you're a nutcase. I love him. Watson shoos Chester downstairs with Mrs. Hudson and says, "Mrs. Hudson? Bring something to cheer him up."

Haha, aww. Bipolar Holmes is bipolar.

Watson daringly enters the lair of Sherlock Holmes, where the creature himself is sitting in the dark with a gun. SUICIDE HOTLINE, WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY.

**Watson:** _(dryly)_ Permission to enter the armory?  
**Holmes:** _(depressed)_ Granted.

He shoots again, and we see he's been shooting the walls to spell out _V.R._ LOLOLOL "THE MUSGRAVE RITUAL" I GET IT.

**Holmes:** Watson, I am in the process of inventing a device that suppresses the sound of a gunshot.  
**Watson:** It's not working.

Watson goes to the window and throws open the curtains. Holmes shrieks in agony as sunlight floods his room. There's smoke and all kinds of shit EVERYWHERE. It looks like my room! Minus the smoke. Holmes moans pathetically and is adorably obedient when Watson asks for the gun. Watson sets it down and goes through some papers and puts out a fire that's started somewhere in the room. He is on a mission to clean Clean up the room, clean up his friend, everything. He's very strict.

**Watson:** You know, it's been three months since your last case.  
**Holmes: **Yes, yes... Gently, gently, Watson. Be gentle with me--  
**Watson:**_ (opens the other curtains)_  
**Holmes:** AAAAUGH!

God, I love it. Holmes is such a 'tard. Also, it's just lovely to hear him plead "be gentle with me, Watson" because my mind goes to so many dirty places.

Watson thinks it's time Holmes finds another case. We finally see what Holmes looks like after three months of NO CASES (which are not fun times in the books, because he's busy shooting up) and two weeks of sitting in his room in the dark. He looks like shit. Cute shit, but shit. He crawls across the floor, agreeing. "My mind rebels at stagnation! Give me problems. Give me work. The sooner the better."

Watson is totally used to this, which I love. He shoves today's paper in Holmes's face and sits down, letting Holmes lean on his knee to read (hee). The headline says BLACKWOOD HANGS TOMORROW which is always fun to hear. Watson suggests cases from the papers he found on Holmes's desk, but Holmes has already solved them and is uninterested in taking the them. Holmes is like, "...is it November?" and Watson's like, "...yes..." and Holmes is like "O.O" It's cute.

**Holmes:** Oh. I see you're the attending physician at Blackwood's hanging.  
**Watson:** Yes. It was our last case together, and I wanted to see it through to the end.

*sniffle* Their last case together! Holmes's face is heartrending. He stops reading the paper and just stares ahead, upset. Watson can see he's unhappy and looks a little guilty. Mrs. Hudson knocks on the door and Watson goes back to suggesting cases, but now that Holmes has been reminding that the most important person to him in the world is leaving, he's PISSED and it's ADORABLE and FUNNY.

**Holmes:** There's only one case that intrigues me at present: the curious case of Mrs. Hudson, the absentee landlady. I've been studying her comings and goings. They appear most.._.sinister._  
**Me:** LOLOL BITCHY HOLMES.  
**Mrs. Hudson:** Tea, Mr. Holmes? :|  
**Holmes:** Is it poisoned, _nanny?_

I love Holmes here. He's so bitchy and pissy and cute and reproachful. Mrs. Hudson tries to start cleaning, but Holmes says, "DON'T TOUCH! Everything is in it's proper place, as per usual..._nanny._" lolol shut up, Holmes, if you're going to be a baby then she's going to treat you like one. Thus, NANNY.

Mrs. Hudson is like "o btw he killed the dog" and Watson is like "ADJFDJ WHAT DID YOU DO TO GLADSTONE NOW!?" Once again, PETA is in a frenzy! But it's okay. Holmes was just testing a new anesthetic, Gladstone doesn't mind!

**Watson:** Holmes, as your doctor...  
**Holmes:** He'll be right as a trivet in no time.  
**Watson:** As your friend!  
**Holmes:** _(eye roll)_  
**Watson:** You've been in this room for two weeks. I insist, you have to get out!

Holmes sits down and says stubbornly with a delightful bitchface, "There's nothing of interest for me out there, on earth, at all." Watson decides to ask Holmes out on a date, because that always works. Holmes is a brat throughout the entire following exchange, and it's one of the most adorable things in the universe.

**Watson:** So you're free this evening.  
**Holmes: **Absolutely.  
**Watson:** Dinner?  
**Holmes:** Wonderful.  
**Watson:** The Royale?  
**Holmes:** My favorite.  
**Watson:** Mary's coming.

...wat.

**Holmes:** _(horrified)_ Not available.

WAT.

"You're meeting her, Holmes!" Watson shouts. Holmes is NOT HAPPY. :C

"Have you proposed yet?"

**Watson:** No. I haven't found the right ring.  
**Holmes:** Oh, well, then it's not official.  
**Watson:** It's happening. Whether you like it or not.

I don't know why that bit makes me so sad. D: They both know how badly Holmes doesn't want Watson to get married and leave him! It just tugs at my heartstrings, especially the way Jude Law says "it's happening," the asshole!

As Watson leaves, he says Holmes better be at the Royale at 8:30, and tells him to wear a jacket. Holmes shoots back, "_You_ wear a jacket." I giggle gleefully.

So we're at the Royale, and Holmes has gotten there early. I dunno why. But we get to watch him experience a nice bout of sensory overload that even gives _me_ a headache. But he manages to focus when Watson and his darling Mary Morstan! I adore Mary to bits, you guys. I love her so much. Weird, right? One, she clearly rubs Holmes the wrong way. Two, she's taking his dear Watson away from him. Three, she STANDS IN THE WAY OF MY SHIP. But I can't even care. LOL IDK I LOVE HER SOOO MUCH.

Anyway. Enough of my girlcrush. Watson introduces Mary to Holmes, and Holmes reminds us that he is a gentleman by putting on a lovely smile and being like "OH MARY HEY GIRL I WUZ WONDERIN WHEN OUR BOY WATSON HERE WOULD INTRODUCE US AHAHAHA" and we're all going, "Could you tone down the bullshit just a notch, Holmes?" but we can appreciate the sentiment.

They all sit at the table, and let us just take a moment to snicker at Watson's "I know this can only end in disaster but still Holmes if you fuck this up so help me God..." expression.

Mary is a sweetie, lightly fangirling over Holmes and mentioning how she has lots of detective books at home.

**Mary:** It can seem a little far-fetched, though, sometimes. Making these grand assumptions out of such tiny details.  
**Holmes:** Well, that's not quite right, is it? In fact, the little details are by far the most important. Take Watson--  
**Mary:** I intend to.

OKAY. GUYS. HIS REACTION? MARVELOUS. It's so goddamn cute in a "BITCH WHAT DID YOU SAY" kind of way. He does that weird little laugh - you've done it, you know the kind where someone says something that pisses you off but you know you're trying to be nice so the laugh is like a surrogate knee-jerk reaction because under normal circumstances you would have punched the someone in the face but the someone is your BFF's girlfriend that you don't like but you have to be nice so the first thing you do is do that "oh haha that's so funny I WILL CUT YOU" kind of laugh - BUT ANYWAY. His face right after the laugh is almost just as funny, because it goes from a forced ":D" to a blatant ":|" and it is GLORIOUS.

Holmes recovers from his brief surge of DIE BITCH feelings (a little poorly, because now his tone is even sharper than before) and continues explaining the whole "tiny details are the most important" thing by showing her Watson's walking stick that has a blade of high-tensile steel hidden inside, and those were awarded to only a few veterans of the Afghan war, so Holmes can assume Watson is a decorated soldier.

"Strong, brave, born to be a man of action. And neat, like all military men." We get it, Holmes, you love him. He's still getting married, no use in flattery. Don't get me wrong, I would gladly marry Mary myself so you can have Watson, but I can't. D: SRY BBY.

**Holmes:** Now, I check his pockets. Ah! A stub from a boxing match! Now I can infer that he's a bit of a gambler. I'd keep an eye on that dowry if I were you.  
**Watson:** Those days are behind me.  
**Holmes:** Right behind you. _(to Mary)_ He's cost us the rent more than once.

...dude. Holmes. Not cool! STFU. You're such a jerk.

Okay maybe that "it's cost us the rent more than once" just kinda struck a personal chord with me, but still. Not going into that.

Mary is a good girlfriend and leads the rather shaming observation away from Watson. "Well, with all due respect, Mr. Holmes, you know John very well. What about a complete stranger? What can you tell about me?"

FUCK. Nooo, don't go there, Mary. You do not want to. You're challenging himmm! D: He already doesn't like you, he's being all territorial and shit! But, of course, Holmes acts like he doesn't want to at first, because he's not a total prick to strangers (at first) (usually). He and Watson converse briefly like they're totally agreeing that Holmes shouldn't, even though Watson is for real and Holmes is just being polite despite REALLY REALLY WANTING TO BE A DICK.

**Holmes:** You?  
**Watson:** I don't think that's--  
**Holmes:** I don't know that that's--  
**Watson:** Not at dinner.  
**Holmes:** Perhaps some other time...  
**Mary:** I insist.  
**Holmes:** You insist?

Shit.

**Watson:** Dude no, we talked about this.  
**Holmes:** The lady insists.  
**Watson:** FML.

Holmes wastes no time in picking out every single little thing about Mary that he can see, getting more and more douchey as he goes. He correctly observes that she's a governess, has a student (Charlie, age 7) who is tall for his age and flicked ink at Mary today. There's nothing on Mary's face, but there are two drops on her ear, and India blue is nearly impossible to wash off. He goes on saying that the ink-flicking wasn't very nice of Charlie, but Mary is too experienced to react rashly, which is why the landlady of that house lent Mary the necklace she's wearing.

**Holmes:** Oriental pearls, diamonds, a flawless ruby. Hardly the gems of a governess.

Shut up, Holmes, you're a twat and now you've embarrassed darling Mary! You're also pissing off Watson. No nooo, Holmes goes on!

**Holmes:** However, the jewels you are not wearing tell us rather more.  
**Watson:** _Holmes._  
**Holmes:** You were engaged. The ring is gone, but the lighter skin where it once sat suggests that you spent some time abroad wearing it proudly. That is, until you were informed of its true and rather modest worth, at which point you broke off the engagement and returned to England for better prospects. A doctor, perhaps.

Did...did he seriously just say that to her? Holmes, I love you, I truly do, but words cannot describe how much I want to punch you in the face right now. Mary should punch you!

But this is the 19th century, so she can't really do that. So she settles for throwing her wine in Holmes's face. GOOD. You deserved it, asshole! She looks furious, Watson looks pissed but unsurprised, and Holmes doesn't move a muscle. Mary says Holmes was right about everything except that last part. She didn't leave her previous fiance - he died.

SNAP, HOLMES. What've you got to say to THAT?

Mary gets up and leaves, and Watson says, "Well done, old boy," and leaves as well. Holmes eats his dinner. It's hard to tell if he feels bad. He might and that "yeah whatever" look on his face is a farce, or he might just be Sherlock Holmes as always and seriously not give a damn.

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_I hate for this to be so short, but I only rented the movie (lol my family's poor, we can't buy shit) and I wanted to post something before we return it. Once I can rent it again, I'll recap more and post it. Until then, enjoy this and my other recaps! I will finish the Star Trek one very soon!_


	2. Chapter 2

**A Very Foul Mouthed Recap: SHERLOCK HOLMES**

_Finally rented it again!_

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Let me start this chapter off by bitching about how I recapped up to the scene where Holmes visited Blackwood at the prison but then I googled something inconsequential (forgetting to do it in another tab) and then proceeded to lose everything I typed. Because that shit happened. I am not a happy camper.

Anyway. Plucky, folky, English-sounding music floats from the speakers as our darling Holmes is DELICIOUS shirtless and sweaty, boxing against an equally sweaty and shirtless but decidedly less delicious guy whom I will name Leroy. Holmes is having so much fun, hitting the guy and dodging blows, drinking in the cheers of the crowd around him as he spins around like a diva on the catwalk.

Can I comment on how Holmes isn't so much punching this guy as he is just slapping him like a girl? I mean he's doing fairly well in this fight and it's not girly or anything, but I think it's funny. Leroy's all like PUNCH PUNCH PUNCH and Holmes's is just swatting at him an slapping him.

So yeah. Holmes gets punched a few times, and when he stands up, he looks into the crowd and sees a girl wearing red and a funny hat. The girl looks back at him with a knowing smile. HI IRENE ADLER. I LIKED YOU IN THE BOOKS. NOT SO MUCH IN THIS MOVIE. Okay, I did like you in this movie. I won't lie. But not as much as I liked you in the books, where it was made much clearer that you were not a love interest. I still like you, though. Kisses!

Holmes forfeits the fight because he wants to go see what THE WOMAN wants, but Leroy is like "BITCH DON'T WALK AWAY FROM ME" and spits at the back of his head. Ohhh snap. Holmes stops.

OH SHIT. More slo-mo kickassery is about to ensue, you guys.

**Holmes:** This mustn't register on an emotional level. First, distract target. _(throws a handkerchief into Leroy's face)_ Then block his blind jab._ (blocks)_ Counter with cross to left cheek. _(punches Leroy in the face)_ Discombobulate._ (claps his hands over Leroy's ears)_ Dazed, he'll attempt wild haymaker. Employ elbow block, and body shot. _(blocks whatever the hell a "haymaker" is with his elbow, then punches Leroy in the gut)_ Block feral left. Weaken right jaw. _(blocks, smacks Leroy in the jaw with his elbow)_ Now fracture. _(punches Leroy in the face)_ Break cracked ribs. _(punches him in the stomach) _Traumatize solar plexus. _(uh...does that)_ Dislocate jaw entirely. _(punches Leroy, again, in the face)_ Heel kick to diaphragm. _(jumps up and kicks Leroy in the chest, sending him crashing back through the wall into the crowd)_ In summary, ears ringing, jaw fractured, three ribs cracked, four broken, diaphragm hemorrhaging. Physical recovery: six weeks. Full psychological recovery: six months. Capacity to spit at back of head: _neutralized._

GAHDAMN. That slo-mo beatdown with the explanation took forty seconds. How long will the actual thing take? Well, let's see...

Eight seconds. Holy shit, Holmes. But lol at the crowd, who all fall silent and are like WTF WAS THAT? O.O as Holmes stalks away from Leroy, who lies reeling on the ground. Holmes takes his winnings and a bottle of what I assume is rum before coolly going upstairs. GOD HOLMES. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I love seeing him fight. I love knowing that he did this shit in the books, too. So people who think it was a stupid OOC scene can all suck it.

Anyway, at the prison where Blackwood is being held, everything is FREAKING THE FUCK OUT because a guard is writhing on the floor, spluttering and choking like he's being "burned from the inside out" because of some spell Blackwood apparently cast upon him. I guess this was all so Blackwood could get another guard's attention so that he could tell him, "There's someone I want to see."

But enough of that. Let's check out Watson! Watson goes into the pub/bar/inn/fight club/whatever place it is that Holmes boxes at and goes upstairs, where he knows he'll find Holmes. And he does! Holmes is being his usual self, all weird and Holmesy, as he peers into a glass jar of flies as he plucks at his violin.

"Watson?"

"Right, let's go," says Watson.

**Holmes:** What started merely as an experiment has brought me to the threshold of a monumental discovery. Now, if I play a chromatic scale..._(plays)_...there's no measurable response.

Watson is hardly interested, more concerned with all the empty bottles that Holmes has drained overnight. "You do know what you're drinking is meant for _eye surgery_?" lol his tone just screams "my god, the man's completely bonkers" and kudos to those who know that Watson's statement is a reference to Holmes's cocaine addiction.

**Holmes:** But now - and this is remarkable - if I change to atonal clusters..._(plays)_...voila! They fly in counterclockwise synchronized concentric circles, as though a regimented flock. Watson, this is exceptional! I, using musical theory, have created order out of chaos! _(plays some more)_

Watson asks how Holmes lured the flies into the jar, and Holmes perks up happily because if Watson is curious about his discoveries, then maybe he's not too mad at him for his behavior last night! "Excellent question. Individually. I've been at it for six hours."

**Watson:** And what happens when I do this?  
**Holmes:** What?  
**Watson:** _(lets all the flies go)_  
**Holmes:** ...right. D:  
**Me:** Rude.

"Clean yourself up," Watson says sharply, and Holmes nods obediently with the most adorable little sad puppy-dog eyes on earth. RDJ's obedient Holmes will always have a warm place in my heart. Holmes now sees that Watson is indeed still pissed at him, and he's disappointed. It's so damn cute.

**Watson:** You are Blackwood's last request.

So...a conjugal visit?

Holmes and Watson are on their way to the prison, and Watson is giving Holmes the silent treatment. Holmes tries in vain to make conversation.

**Holmes:** Look at those towering structures. _(points out the window at the bridge being constructed)_ It's the first combination of bascule and suspension bridge ever attempted. Most innovative.  
**Watson:** :|  
**Holmes:** What an industrious empire! :D  
**Watson:** :|  
**Holmes: **Oh, I have your winnings from last night. _(waves the papers around)_ You weren't there, so I made your customary bet. _(Watson reaches for them, but Holmes holds them away)_ No, you're right. I'll keep it with your checkbook, locked safely away in my drawer.  
**Watson:** _(bitchface)_

That's embarrassing. He has to keep your checkbook away from you? Wow. This..._really_ parallels with certain family members of mine. Still not going there, though. Hey, how come Holmes is allowed to do that but whenever Watson calls him out on his addiction to coke/morphine, Holmes is just like MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS? Well, anyway. Holmes sees that Watson is still giving him the cold shoulder, and so he tries a different tactic, much like the one Watson used on him: asking him out.

**Holmes:** Did you know the opera house is featuring Don Giovanni? I could easily procure a couple of tickets if you had any...cultural inclinations this evening.  
**Watson:** :|  
**Holmes: **You have the grand gift of silence, Watson. It makes you quite invaluable as a companion.  
**Watson:** _(punches him right in the FACE!)_

LOL PWN'D.

"I knew she'd been engaged. She'd _told_ me," Watson snaps.

"So that's no to the opera, then?" Holmes sniffs when he SHOULD have apologized for being a dick, but this is Holmes, guys. Watson casts his gaze angrily out the window again, and Holmes gives up. He reaches for a waistcoat, which Watson quickly grabs as well.

**Watson:** That was my waistcoat.  
**Holmes:** I _thought_ we agreed it's too small for you.  
**Watson:** I'd like it back.  
**Holmes:** I thought we agreed.  
**Watson:** I want it back!

Oh my God. Boys, what are you? Five? Jesus Christ. (okay this was one of the cutest exchanges, but still) They play tug-of-war briefly before Holmes finally lets go, and Watson throws it out the window. Real mature, Doctor. My expression matches Holmes's: "rly?"

Watson smothers a grin, and I melt. God, Jude Law...

Some guy on the street looks at the discarded waistcoat like "LOL AWESOME FREE CLOTHES" and helps himself. I now DEMAND that someone write a fanfic about Holmes returning later in search for that guy so he can take back what's rightfully his. It's Watson's old clothes - Holmes doesn't let those go so easily.

Anyway, now that Watson has punched Holmes and done some petty "I want this just so you can't have it" nonsense, they seem to have reconciled. They pull up at the prison, where a bunch of people are protesting Blackwood's existence.

**Watson:** Blackwood certainly seems to have got the crowd into something of a fear frenzy.  
**Holmes: **Which I'm certain will disperse once his feet have stopped twitching. Care to come along?  
**Watson:** No, you're on your own, old cock. I've no business with him whilst he's alive.  
**Holmes:** Suit yourself, mother hen.

Old cock? Mother hen? lolwut?

Clarkie (who is AWESOME) leads Holmes through the prison. Holmes comments on all the empty cells, and Clarkie explains that the prisoners had to be moved, otherwise they were gonna riot, because Blackwood just gives everyone the heebie-jeebies. C'mon, guys. Anybody who looks like Matt Lauer is harmless. Srsly.

Clarkie hangs back a bit as they reach Blackwood's cell, clearly uneasy. Holmes is a sweetie-pie and says Clarkie doesn't have to stay with him as he talks to Blackwood.

Blackwood is reading some stuff aloud for no reason. He's talking about beasts and shit, and apparently he's taken up graffiti during his imprisonment.

Holmes: I love what you've done with the place.

Oh, Holmes.

**Blackwood:** So glad you could accept my invitation.  
**Holmes:** I just have a small point of concern.  
**Blackwood:** How can I help?  
**Holmes:** I'd already followed the murders with some interest, and while my heart went out primarily to the families of the victims, I couldn't but notice a criminal mastery in the stroke of your brush.

Um. What?

**Blackwood:** You're too kind.  
**Holmes:** However, by comparison, your work in the crypt was more akin to a finger painting.

Blackwood is offended! D:

Anyway, Blackwood infers that Holmes is wondering if there's a bigger picture going on, and he's like, "ALL THIS IS SUPERNATURALLL do not assume this is anything earthlyyyy" and Holmes is like "lol whatevs." Blackwood says that the five people he killed were worthless creatures that got the chance to serve a greater purpose, and Holmes quips cutely, "I wonder if they'd let Watson and me dissect your brain." Heehee. Oh, Holmes.

Why do you keep bringing up Watson? It's all "my friend's gonna pronounce you dead and I'm gonna keep him company" this and "Watson and I wanna dissect your brain" that. I don't think Watson would even want to do that.

**Holmes:** HEY WATSON WANNA DISSECT BLACKWOOD'S BRAIN WITH ME? 8D  
**Watson:** Uh, no? o.O  
**Holmes: **D8

When Holmes turns his back on Blackwood, Blackwood flies up to the bars and gets his mouth riiiiight up to Holmes's ear. It's very "SURPRISE BUTTSEX!"

"Mr. Holmes, you must widen your gaze. I'm concerned you underestimate the gravity of coming events. You and I are bound together on a journey that will twist the very fabric of nature," Blackwood whispers to Holmes, niiiice and breathy. Holmes's face is like BAD TOUCH, BAD TOUCH D:!!!! Blackwood continues, "But beneath your mask of logic, I sense a fragility. That worries me. Steel your mind, Holmes. I need you."

Holmes is like, "Okay you're creepy" and starts to leave, and Blackwood's all, "I'M GONNA COME BACK FROM THE DEAD, JUST LIKE JEEESUS" and once again, Holmes is like, "lol whatevs"

**Blackwood:** Three more will die, and there is nothing you can do to save them. You must accept that this is beyond your control, or by the time you realize you made all of this possible, it'll be the last sane thought in your head.  
**Anyone who's read at least three paragraphs from a Sherlock Holmes story ever:** "Last" sane thought? Since when were there any sane thoughts in there at all?

There's a big group of people waiting for Holmes, and a priest asks what Blackwood wanted. Holmes says he's not sure, but Father can run along because nobody needs him for this shit.

Cut to Lord Blackwood's Super Happy Fun Execution Time Spectacular! They hang him. Watson checks for a pulse, and upon finding none, he says thus endeth Lord Creepy-Ass Blackwood. We will miss you and your snaggletooth.

Yay, back at Baker Street! Holmes is asleep. Aw. He snuffles, and we see a girly hand cracking some walnuts. Uh...alright.

**Irene Adler: **London's so bleak this time of year.  
**Audience:** Ooooh! 8D THE WOMAN.  
**Holmes:** o.o  
**Irene:** Not that I'm pining for New Jersey. I much prefer to travel in the winter.

OH MY GOD. WHAT IS THAT PINK MONSTROSITY SHE IS DONNING? I think my eyes are bleeding, holy crap.

Irene gives him some walnuts, saying she brought them from Syria, which is so nice of her but Holmes is still kind of flabbergasted, because WHAT the HELL is THAT WOMAN doing in my BEDROOM oh my GOD who the FUCK let her IN? AHDHSJD I'M CONFUSED. Irene turns away, talking about how tea parties, and Holmes scrambles up while she's not looking to make sure his safe, hidden behind a painting, is untampered with.

**Irene:** And while I setting the table, I found this: a file with my name on it.  
**Audience:** lol awkward, Holmes.  
**Irene:** "Theft of a Velazquez portrait from king of Spain." "Missing naval documents lead to resignation of Bulgarian prime minister." "Scandalous affair ends engagement of..."_ (turns)_  
**Holmes:**_ (tries to be sneaky about slamming a picture on his desk of Irene face down and fails hilariously)_  
**Irene: **"...Hapsburg prince to Romanov princess."

Holmes tries to be all casual about it, saying, "I was simply studying your...methods...should the authorities ask me to hunt you down." Sure, Holmes. Irene calls him out, "I don't see my name on any of these articles," but Holmes says, "Your signature was clear." He then reaches around her neck to pull up her necklace: "Is that the maharajah's missing diamond? Or just another souvenir?"

Irene says it looks like Holmes is currently in between jobs as Holmes pours them both some tea. Irene takes a sip, but Holmes sniffs his suspiciously for poison. Irene says she needs Holmes to find someone and starts to reach into her dress and Holmes is like AHA I GOT YOU NOW and grabs her arm, preparing for a fight, but Irene was just getting an envelope. lolol Holmes you're such a spaz.

**Holmes: **Who are you working for?  
**Irene: **_(smiles)_  
**Holmes:** So, I'll have to find out the hard way?  
**Irene:** _(places a bag of money on the table)_  
**Holmes:** Keep your money; I didn't say I'll take the case. D:

Irene is like "Bullshit you totally will," and Holmes looks at the envelope, which has The Grand Hotel printed on the back. Irene's like, "They gave me our old room, WINK WINK" and Holmes pointedly ignores that, playing with his violin again awkwardly. Irene leaves.

Watson comes in the front door and starts to close it but Irene tells him to hold the door and he does, like a gentleman, and he pauses once she passes him, like, "...wat." He goes upstairs. Outside, Irene...suddenly has a bouquet of roses? Huh? Well anyway, she climbs into a carriage and says to a person in the shadows of the carriage in a strange stiff voice, "He'll do it."

**Evil Dude:** Well done, Miss Adler. That's precisely why I hired you.  
**Irene: **I wager he'll have our man within the next 24 hours.  
**Evil Dude: **He'd better. Reordan is the key to what Blackwood was doing. He's essential to my plan.

Oooh, scary. :3 But then there's a crash outside, and we see some guy on the ground, yelling at the carriage driver to watch where he's going. He sidles up to the window and says, "A little rifle range would go a long way, sir...rubbing the calluses off these German bands..." and I have no idea what that means but Evil Dude is NOT IN THE MOOD FOR BEGGARS so he threatens to stab him with a crazy looking knife thing! :o The beggar guy leaves, like, "holy shit fine!"

Back home, Watson is amused at Holmes. "Look at you. Why is the only woman you've every cared about a world-class criminal? Are you a masochist?" I certainly hope "cared about" doesn't mean "been in love with" because duh.

**Holmes:** Allow me to explain.  
**Watson:** Allow _me_. She's the only adversary who ever outsmarted you. _Twice._  
**Holmes:** FML.  
**Watson:** _(snicker snicker)_  
**Holmes:** Right, you've had your fun.

Watson asks what Irene is after, and Holmes doesn't wanna talk about it, but Watson is having fun! "An alibi? A beard? A human canoe? She could sit on your back and paddle you up the Thames! 8D" Holmes doesn't appreciate that. He's just like, "What's it to you? We've already done _our_ last case together." He picks up some papers and Watson says he's already read those.

**Watson:** Missing person: Luke Reordan, 4-foot-10, red hair, no front teeth. Case solved! You're obviously not her type. She likes ginger dwarfs. :D  
**Holmes:** Midget.  
**Me:** Really? The midget is taller than me? By a whole inch? D:  
**Watson**: So you agree?  
**Holmes:** No, I don't agree. It's more than technicality, you see. You're misrepresenting the dimensions of foreshortened peoples.  
**Watson:** I've said too much, I can tell I've upset you.  
**Holmes:** No, I am simply stating that one has--

"What were you doing?" Watson interrupts.

"Will you allow me to explain?" Holmes says exasperatedly.

"I wish you would," Watson smirks. What? Explain what? What did we miss?

Ahhh, rewind to Irene leaving Holmes's room. The moment she closes his door, he tosses his violin aside, leaps from his chair and flies to the window, throwing it open and leaning out. He sees Irene leave the apartment and he scrambles for something on his desk, smashing something onto his face. He hurries down the stairs where Watson is and throws open another window.

**Watson:** Holmes. What are you doing?  
**Holmes:** Nothing.  
**Watson:** Are you wearing a false--  
**Holmes:** False nose? No.

Blatant lies. Watson turns to look back where Irene left the apartment and Holmes takes Watson's jacket.

**Watson:** Tell me that that wasn't--  
**Holmes:** That wasn't. _(jumps out the window)_ Hi-ya! _(lands on the roof of downstairs)_  
**Audience: **...wat.  
**Watson:** Holmes! Where are you going?  
**Holmes:** _(jumps onto another roof and falls right through)_

Wow, fail. Glass shatters and we hear Holmes call for Watson, but Watson's just like *sigh* and closes the window. But Holmes doesn't have time to call for Watson very much, so he just crashes his way out of that little building, covered in dirt and shrugging on Watson's coat (hee) and goes inside another building.

Irene is walking down an alley, and Holmes ducks out of view. A scuzzy guy stops Irene and says, "Got some flowers for you, sweetheart. Cut you a deal 'cause you're so pretty."

**Irene:** Oh! My lucky day!  
**Another guy:** _(leaning in to sniff her neck)_ 'Ello, gorgeous. You got something for me?

Then Irene BEATS THE CRAP OUT OF HIM BECAUSE SHE'S AWESOME. She holds the original guy at knife-point, takes his money, sniffs the roses, and leaves. Oh, Irene. You pull off "bitch plz" very well. Holmes agrees with me.

Holmes follows you at a distance through a...circus? o.o What? Okay? Well anyway, Holmes helps himself to some food as he strides through all the training performers, tying a scarf or something around his neck and swiping a hat and an eye patch as he slips through a tent. Ahahaha RDJ looks so retarded.

So we see that _Holmes_ was the creepy beggar guy that Evil Dude threatened to stab. Ohoho! You rascal, Holmes! You and your disguises!

Back in Holmes's room with the dynamic duo, Holmes tells Watson that he intrigued by the mysterious Evil Dude who has Irene on edge. "She's intimidated. She's scared of him." I would be, too. Don't trust guys who spend all their screen time shrouded in shadows.

**Watson:** Yet she works for him.  
**Holmes:** Right.  
**Watson:** It's nothing to do with me, but I advise you _leave the case alone._

Aw, Watson doesn't want Holmesy-poo getting into trouble. But Holmes is still wounded about Watson leaving him, judging by his statement of, "Well, I may not have a choice, hm? After all, I may be paying the rent on my own, soon, thanks to you." Oh shut up, Holmes, he'll never leave you for good. Holmes points his violin bow in Watson's face.

**Watson:** Get that out of my face.  
**Holmes:** It's not in your face, it's in my hand.  
**Watson:** Get what's in your hand out of my face.

We love our Baker Street Boys and their Baker Street Banter, yes we do! *pinches their cheeks lovingly*

So then Clarkie comes into the room! Yay, Clarkie! I do love Clarkie so much. He's one of my favorite characters. My favorites list goes like this: Holmes/Watson (they're interchangeable), Mary, Clarkie, Irene, Gladstone. :D

**Clarkie:** Sir, Inspector Lestrade asks that you come with me at once.  
**Holmes:** What's he done now, lost his way to Scotland Yard?

Holmes and Watson share a laugh, which I find twelve kinds of adorable. And poor Lestrade, he 's always getting picked on. Also, check out Clarkie, he's got such a crush on Holmes.

**Holmes:** Watson, grab a compass. "You" means "us."  
**Me:** Aw! :D  
**Watson:** No, "you" means you.  
**Me:** Aw. D:

Holmes's smile fades away, which makes me so very sad. Watson, why must you be so mean to him? But as much as I'd love to comfort Holmes, we have more pressing matters at hand. Clarkie says that it appears Blackwood has come back from the grave! SAY WHAT? :ooo Holmes looks intrigued, and Watson is very annoyed because _he_ pronounced Blackwood dead! According to Clarkie, the groundskeeper saw Blackwood walking through the graveyard that morning. But as interesting as that is, Watson wants nothing to do with it. "I'll leave this in your capable hands," he says to Holmes, patting his leg (hee) and getting up.

**Watson:** I have an appointment with Mary.  
**Holmes:** It's not _my_ reputation that's at stake here.

"Don't try that," Watson warns pointedly, with the strangest look on his face that makes me all tingly in the nether regions. Why does he looks all seductive as he says that? o.o It's delicious but random.

...must be the pornstache.

Holmes asks if the newspapers have heard about this yet, and Clarkie says no, they're trying to avoid that. The major concern now is sheer panic of the public.

**Watson: **You're not taking this seriously, are you, Holmes?  
**Holmes:** Yes, as you should.  
**Watson:** _(splutters cluelessly)_  
**Holmes:** It's a matter of professional integrity! _(stands up importantly)_ No girl wants to marry a doctor who can't tell if a man's dead or not!

rofl. He's so intense. This case has just turned incredibly hilarious for Holmes. Also, yay, now Watson _has_ to come with him! And we get another FML from Watson. Someone should start an FML Twitter account for Watson, like that Dr. McCoy one from Star Trek.

At the graveyard, Holmes is rocking some bitchin' shades. He, Watson, and Darling Clarkie approach Blackwood's tom, which seems to have been destroyed a bit. Lestrade is like, "Took you long enough asshole D:" but Holmes doesn't care.

**Lestrade:** These slabs are half a ton each if they're a pound, and they're smashed open from the inside.  
**Holmes:** Lestrade, what of the coffin?  
**Lestrade:** Well, we are in the process of bringing it up now.  
**Holmes:** I see. _(looks at the officers, who are in the process of standing around like a bunch of pussies NOT bringing the coffin up now)_ Hm. Right. At what stage of the process? Contemplative?

Oh Holmes. Holmes asks Lestrade where the witness (the groundskeeper) is, and Lestrade tells him and tries to say he's catatonic, but Lestrade fails at life and can't pronounce it. But Clarkie can! LOVE YOU, CLARKIE! :3 Lestrade bitches at the officers and makes them go get the coffin, while Watson cheerfully goes up to the groundskeeper.

**Watson:** Good day, sir!  
**Groundskeeper (let's name him Scribbs, because he looks like a cross between Ebeneezer Scrooge and Mr. Gibbs from Pirates of the Caribbean): **...hello.  
**Watson:** It's all right, I'm a doctor.

Ooh, Doctor, you can give me a physical exam anytime. :3 Over at the tomb, Holmes is sniffing and licking some of the rubble. Alright, then. Watson tells Lestrade that Scribbs is in shock and may need a few minutes. Lestrade says Scribbs claims he saw Blackwood rise from the grade.

**Lestrade:** Well?  
**Watson:** Well?  
**Lestrade:** _You_ pronounced him dead.  
**Watson:** He _had no pulse!_

Watson can't catch a break anywhere. Anyway, the officers bring up the coffin, and Lestrade and Watson pry it open. Inside lies the poor Ginger Midget That Is Taller Than Me And I Don't Think That's Right At All.

**Watson:** Good Lord.  
**Lestrade: **That's not Blackwood.  
**Holmes:** _("just don't say anything, Sherlock, just don't" face)_ Well, now we have a firm grasp of the obvious.

Watson gets to work on finding out the time of death, which would be between ten and twelve hours ago. Holmes borrows Lestrade's pen to lift up the the Ginger Midget That Is Taller Than Me And I Don't Think That's Right At All's upper lip to confirm that it is indeed Irene's midget. Holmes gives Lestrade his pen pack, and Lestrade is like "ew, yeah thanks douchebag."

**Scribbs:** I know what I saw! It was Blackwood! As clear as I see you! And when the dead walk, the living will fill these coffins.  
**Holmes: **_(takes a pocket watch off of the Ginger Midget That Is Taller Than Me And I Don't Think That's Right At All's person)_

Heand Watson start to leave, and Watson says, "You really believe he was resurrected?" and Holmes answers, "The question is not 'if,' but 'how.' The game's afoot."

"Follow your spirit, and upon this charge, cry: 'God for Harry, England, and St. George," Holmes and Watson quote together. The Baker Street Boys quote Shakespeare so nicely.

I will leave off this chapter here. I can't say for certain if I will be able to add the third chapter before I have to send the movie back, but I also can't say it won't happen. I hope it does. I do like recapping this movie. :D


	3. Chapter 3

**A Very Foul Mouthed Recap: SHERLOCK HOLMES**

_I'm baaack!_

* * *

As Holmes and Watson make their way down a slightly grimy and crowded street, Watson says to Holmes that it's possible there really might be something supernatural going on. Holmes agrees, but he knows that it's a big mistake to theorize before you really have any data, otherwise you'll start forming facts to suit theories instead of theories to suit facts.

One thing I really like about the Sherlock Holmes stories is that Holmes never completely rules out supernatural possibilities. I like that he's open-minded and a logical genius at the same time.

Holmes starts looking at the watch he swiped off of the Ginger Midget That Is Taller Than Me And I Don't Think That's Right At All. "Scratches around the keyhole where the watch was wound. What does that tell you?"

**Watson:** The man was likely a drunk. Every time he wound the watch, his hand would slip, hence the scratches.  
**Holmes:** Yes. Very good, Watson. You've developed considerable deductive powers of your own. Hm, let's see now, there are several sets of initials scored...  
**Watson:** Pawnbrokers' marks.  
**Holmes:** Excellent! Most recent of which are "M.H." M.H. M.H. is for...  
**Watson:** Maddison and Haig.  
**Holmes:** Maddison and Haig.

Holmes did always like to try to get Watson to deduce shit so he could see how much Watson's deduction skills were improving, but why do I get the feeling that Holmes already knew all this "he was a drunk and these are pawnbrokers' marks and this is Maddison and Haig" stuff? I think someone's trying to make his Watson stay with him, using a combination of flattery ("You're so good at this teehee!") and reminding him that he's useful ("See, see, I never would have figured this out without you come on stay with meeee!") ;D

Holmes says that Maddison and Haig should be able to give them an address, and Watson is like, "Yeah have fun doing that by yourself, 'cause like I said earlier, I HAVE PLANS. I'm drinking tea with the in-laws, durr." Yeah, Holmes. You're not the center of the universe.

Some lady whom I am 99% sure is actually a man pops out of fucking nowhere and is like "HEY I'LL TELL YOUR FUTURE" ad Holmes is like, "Pfft, NO" and Watson's like, "No thanks."

**Madame Dude-Looks-Like-A-Lady:** _(scurrying after Watson)_ You need to hear what I have to tell you!  
**Holmes:** We have no need of your lucky heather, gypsy woman! :3  
**Audience:** ...okay, now that _almost_ sounded suspicious. Holmes, what are you up to?  
**Madame Dude-Looks-Like-A-Lady:** Even if it's to do with Mary?  
**Holmes:** :ooo OH MY HOW SERENDIPITOUS.

Watson's like O.O and turns to the gypsy. Madame Dude-Looks-Like-A-Lady reads his palm and really gets into it, going, "I see two men. Brothers. Not in blood, but in bond." Our hearts swell when Watson looks at Holmes, and Holmes looks back, solemnly intrigued. Watson asks, "What of Mary?" and his voice sounds irritated, for some reason, like he doesn't want this lady (or man) peering into that relationship.

**Madame Dude-Looks-Like-A-Lady:** M for Mary, for marriage. Oh, you will be married!  
**Watson:** Go on.  
**Madame Dude-Looks-Like-A-Lady:** Oh, I see..._(disgusted)_...patterned tablecloths!  
**Audience:** ...wat.  
**Madame Dude-Looks-Like-A-Lady:** And, oh...china figurines! And, uuugh, lace doilies!  
**Holmes:** _(disdainful)_ Mmm..._doilies._  
**Audience and Watson: **WAT.

Watson is like, "Lace...doilies?" Catching on, he drops his hands and says, "Holmes! Does your depravity know no bounds?"

"No," says Holmes stoutly, not caring that his charade with the gypsy has been found out. And Madame Dude-Looks-Like-A-Lady keeps going at it, which is hilarious, and what she comes up with is even more hilarious.

**Madame Dude-Looks-Like-A-Lady:** Oh, she turns to fat! And ohhh, she has a beard and...  
**Audience:** lollerskates  
**Holmes:** What of the warts?  
**Madame Dude-Looks-Like-A-Lady:** Oh, she's covered in warts!  
**Audience:** roflcopter  
**Watson:** Enough, enough!  
**Holmes:** Are they EXTENSIVE!?  
**Audience:** *ded*  
**Watson:** FML

God, that is filled with so much lulz. SO MUCH LULZ GUYS. And another wonderful FML from Watson. He does it quite a lot.

Holmes insists that all these dreadful things are sure to arise once Watson marries Mary, and that's why Watson can't find the right ring. But that's the wrong thing to say to Watson right now!

**Watson:** Do you have my money?  
**Holmes:** You are terrified of a life without the thrill of the macabre.  
**Watson:** Do you have my cut from the fight?  
**Holmes:** Admit it. Admit it!  
**Watson:** GIVE ME MY MONEY!  
**Holmes: **ADMIT IT!  
**Watson:** _Holmes._

Okay, one: they are so House and Wilson. _So_ House and Wilson. Remember? "Admit it, you're angry and you're scared of losing me!" "I'm not angry, I'm not scared!" "Admit it, admit it!" "What are you, five? Stop repeating--" "Admit it, admit it, admit it!" Only instead of throwing a wine bottle through a stained glass window, Watson makes Holmes give him his money.

Second thing: Holmes makes the most adorable face here when Watson just says, "Holmes." He looks all pissy but sad and reproachful and he even takes a step back. It's so - goddamn -_ cute._ RDJ, sometimes you make me want to have sex with your face but a good portion of this movie makes me want to just hug you forever and ever in a sea of platonicness. I swear, there are so many times when I want to just stroke his hair lovingly like a kitty.

Anyway, Holmes sees that Watson wants his money because - aha, they're stand right in front of an engagement ring store. Ha, you suck at picking places to accuse Watson of reasons for not wanting to buy a wedding ring, Holmes. Way to fail.

Cut to later. Watson has his ring and Holmes has the Ginger Midget That Is Taller Than Me And I Don't Think That's Right At All's address. Watson says he has to meet Mary, and Holmes is like, "Yeah whatever," and goes inside the Ginger Midget That Is Taller Than Me And I Don't Think That's Right At All's house. Watson turns to leave...

But then he turns, and we ZOOOOOOM in on him. Why? Because Jude Law is sexy. Everyone is Jude Law-sexual. Even straight guys. As a wonderful comedian put it, if you're a guy and you're not attracted to Jude Law, you're probably gay.

Inside, Holmes starts to pick a door lock using something that looks unnecessarily complicated for a lock-pick, but I'm not a criminal so I really wouldn't know shit about lock-picks. He does that for like three seconds until WHAM-BAM, WATSON KICKS THAT DOOR THE FUCK OPEN LIKE A BOSS. Holmes's face goes from startled to YAY real fast. :D

"It does make a considerable difference to me, having someone with me on whom I can thoroughly rely," he says brightly. Yay, from-the-book quotes! :3 Watson's like, "Yeah yeah, whatever, you can rely on me for TEN MINUTES, THAT'S ALL" and Holmes is okay with that because he's rather have ten minutes with Watson than none at all.

The room is really gross and cluttered and there's a fucking bear trap lying in wait for them! o.O Watson's like "wtf? Jesus Christ, he certainly felt something was coming to get him."

Holmes says something did get him; Irene Adler was here. GASP. IRENE MURDERED HER MIDGET BOYTOY?

**Holmes:** Either that, or the ginger midget wore the same Parisian perfume. _(sniffs deeply)_ Ahhh, putrefaction! _(smiles over at Watson)_  
**Me:** I don't think you like perfume much, do you, Holmes. "Putrefaction," really?

Holmes sniffs around some more, identifying ammonium sulfate, phosphorous, formaldehyde... Holmes lifts a paper from something that has an eyedropper nearby and a burn mark in the middle of it. He imagines the Ginger Midget That Is Taller Than Me And I Don't Think That's Right At All sitting there, dropping something onto the surface with his eyedropper and producing a little flame.

Watson is checking out some stuff on the wall and says it looks like the Ginger Midget That Is Taller Than Me And I Don't Think That's Right At All was trying to combine some kind of sorcery and scientific formula. Well, that's quite an oxymoron.

Holmes imagines the Ginger Midget That Is Taller Than Me And I Don't Think That's Right At All burning some papers and says, "More importantly, let's see what he was trying to dispose of." He brings the scorched papers over to Watson and they do some weird thing to find the crest from one of the papers that proves that the Ginger Midget That Is Taller Than Me And I Don't Think That's Right At All was working with Blackwood. Holmes sees a stepladder and imagines the Ginger Midget That Is Taller Than Me And I Don't Think That's Right At All climbing it to reach something on a shelf. He goes over to investigate, sniffs some stuff, sees a little spindly thing and a pot of dead frogs, and he imagines the Ginger Midget That Is Taller Than Me And I Don't Think That's Right At All doing some experiment that involves...boiling frogs? PETA would be all over that guy's ass. Holmes wipes the rim of the pot of dead frogs and sniffs.

Can you guys tell I have no idea what's going on? 8D

Holmes concludes that whatever the Ginger Midget That Is Taller Than Me And I Don't Think That's Right At All was working on, he succeeded, because if he hadn't then he'd still be alive. This explains why Irene wants to find him so badly. Holmes is distracted by an odor in the air that he can't quite place...

**Holmes:** Is it candyfloss? Molasses? Maple syrup? Ah! Barley sugar!  
**Watson: **_(turns)_ Toffee apple.  
**Holmes:** ...

O hai, two dudes (Jenkins and Gordo) that have just shown up eating some toffee apple. Holmes's face is like, "Heh, awkward..." and then he's just like, "Sooo...you guys are here to burn down the lace and get rid of all the evidence, I see."

Jenkins is like :D and then calls for some darling person that hasn't entered the room yet. "Oh, Dredger!"

Dredger? Who's Dredger? Is that your puppy that you've brought along on your arson-and-a-picnic trip? :3

Dredge has heavy footsteps. I guess it's a fat puppy. That's okay; fat puppies are cute, like fat babies. But sadly, Dredger turns out not to be a cute fat puppy, which is obvious by the simultaneous FMLs Holmes and Watson pull. Dredger just so happens to be a really, really big dude that's like 700 feet tall and a moustache/goatee combo to rival Chuck Norris.

He's French too, btw, which is always fun. Those wacky French people!

Watson sighs. All he wanted today was to have tea with Mary's parents but nooo. "My ten minutes are up," he says simply to Holmes, and starts fighting with Jenkins and Gordo. Dredger goes up to Holmes. Once again, Holmes flaunts his marvelous fighting style that is almost completely comprised of slapping and/or swatting his opponent! It sounds silly, but it works, and Dredger smiles.

Meanwhile, Watson gets punched in the face and gets his coat pulled off and then punches Gordo out like a boss. Holmes slaps Dredger with whatever that thing of his is...but Dredger takes it from him and then Holmes punches him in the face. Dredger doesn't appreciate that, so he lifts Holmes up who makes THE FUNNIEST SOUND and then he throws Holmes across the table. Ow.

(This has absolutely no relevance to the recap at all, but I feel like I should let you all know that I just nearly pissed myself this very moment because out of the corner of my eye I saw something moving in my darkened room but it turned out just to be a balloon.)

Back to the recap. Watson is taking pretty good care of himself, while Holmes is still kind of reeling. In his defense, he's itty-bitty compared to Dredger. "One moment, please," he grunts in French, and Dredger's just like "Oh take your time mon cherie :D" More fighting, blah blah blah... Watson takes the time during his fight to ask if Holmes is okay, which is cute, and Holmes grabs a rod of some sort and then Dredger starts strangling him. Holmes pokes Dredger in the chest with the rod, and...it sparks and Dredger goes flying back into a wall?

LOLWTF? A 19th century taser!? Holmes is like "awesome" and goes to recharge his new toy. Dredger returns, groaning, "One moment please," as Watson continues to fight with Jenkins. He raises something or other over his head, ready to bring it down on Jenkins's head, but Jenkin whips out a knife...

Holmes tases Dredger again and it sends Dredger soaring again, slamming him into Jenkins. Watson's like O.O WAT?

**Watson:** Holmes, what is that?  
**Holmes:** lol idk

Dredger jumps out the window, landing on a cart and jumping to the ground and sprinting away. Holmes does the same...except he kinda sorta bounces off the cart and faceplants onto the ground. He is gloriously failtastic, you guys. GLORIOUSLY FAILTASTIC.

Watson is still inside, and again he's like FML because now he has to save Holmes's retarded ass for the 9000th time.

Holmes chases Dredger into a...shipyard? Is that what this place is? The place where they build boats and ships and shit is a shipyard, right? Ha, I fail at nauticalness. I have a boating license but I don't know shit. I don't have a boat or anything. But I do like to imagine that I'm on a cruise and the captain like falls overboard or something (he survives, don't worry, I'm not a sociopath) and everyone's like OMGWTFBBQ DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW HOW TO SAIL A SHIP!? And I would stand up and be like, "Guys, chill the fuck out. I got this."

Anyway. Holmes tases Dredger for a third time because tasing people is so fun. He asks who sent him, and Dredger says that Holmes already knows. Holmes says it's weird that Dredger is still doing a dead man's dirty work but Dredger's like, "He's back from the dead, duh." Holmes wants to know where Blackwood is, but Dredger's like "Dude you and your little toy don't fucking scare me" and he breaks the taser! D: Nooo, Tasey McTase-Tase! How could you do that to him, Dredger!?

Let us all bow our heads in silence, and remember our favorite little anachronism: Tasey McTase-Tase the Tasing Taser.

**Dredger:** Run, little rabbit, run.  
**Holmes:** With pleasure.

And he hauls ass outta there because he's not stupid and knows he'd lose that fight in like three seconds. And this is where I must leave off so that I may return the DVD to Blockbuster.

YAY, MY SISTER BOUGHT THE MOVIE WITH HER TWELFTH BIRTHDAY MONEY I love her so much. Everyone say "THANK YOU LAURENNN."

Holmes is running, throwing shit in Dredger's path to slow him down and all the employees around them are just looking at them like wtf. Dredger just steps over the stuff in his way, and Holmes tries to pick up a giant sledgehammer that's bigger than him but it's too heavy (I still think he should've been able to lift that, 'cause Holmes is strong enough that he can bend an iron poker like a motherfuckin' BOSS, dude) so he's like fuck that and uses a bigass chain to sling at Dredger, who's just like "bitch plz" and punches Holmes in the face before picking up the sledgehammer that Holmes couldn't in one hand.

Dredger starts swinging the hammer, smashing away posts that are holding the ship being constructed in place as Holmes dodges. Now the employees are like OMGWTF and Holmes is like ahjshfkd but AHA! He finds a hammer! 8D

Only it's a normal sized hammer. Holmes holds it up like STAY BACK but then he and Dredger look at their respective hammers and Holmes is like "Oh."

**Dredger:** ...yeah.  
**Holmes:** OH YEAH WELL _(throws it at Dredger's chest)_ TAKE THAT, BIATCH.  
**Dredger:** rly?  
**Holmes:** FML.

lol well it was worth a shot, right Holmes? Dredger swings again, smashing another post. The ship shudders, and all the employees around it building it start toppling everywhere. A crowd has gathered around the entrance of the shipyard-or-something, and then Watson forces his way through, grabbing their attention by shooting his gun into the air like a badass. :D He follows the scent of destruction to Holmes and starts shooting at Dredger. He misses, but it startles Dredger enough for Holmes to kick him a couple of times. Dredger throws his hammer at Holmes, which Holmes very narrowly dodges. He climbs up onto the...thing that the ship is sitting on...but Dredger throws some bigass chains and knocks Holmes off his feet, making him fall into the groove on the little...thing.

Watson shoots again, misses, and Dredger's like "wut" before smashing the thing that's keeping the boat from sliding down the grooves and into the water. Which mean that the ship is going to run over Holmes in one of the grooves! Watson shouts for Holmes, who hasn't gotten out of the groove, and pulls the most wonderful horrified look when the boat goes over the place where Holmes is lying. NOOO, HOLMES!

**Ship:** LOL LATER BITCHES  
**Watson:** Hoooolmes! DDD:

The...thing that's like a spool of thread but here it's actually a spool of chains and I don't know what that's called either...that thing connected to the ship snaps off of the ground as the ship slides further away just as Watson sees Holmes sit up. Watson sees that Holmes is about get hit by the spool-of-chains-thingy, so he sprints over to him, leaps, and yanks Holmes back down. YAY!

Also, lolololol check out Holmes's face when Watson does that. He's like "o.O Uh?" and glances around. It's funny.

Watson and Holmes sit up. Watson looks out in dismay at the giant unfinished ship sinking into the water. Holmes looks at the shipyard-or-something that's been more or less by his and Dredger's shenanigans, and then looks at the sinking boat, which is ALSO due to his and Dredger's shenanigans.

**Holmes:** Watson, what _have_ you done? :o  
**Audience:** wat.  
**Watson:** FML.

I'm really milking this FML cow aren't I? :D

So now Watson and Holmes are in jail. Nice. Holmes is fast asleep on Watson's back. One, two, three: AWWWW! He wakes up when he slips off Watson's back, and Watson immediately states, "I haven't slept all night. Not a wink." Yeah, probably because he was making sure none of these criminals rape Holmes.

**Watson:** Why I ever believed that I would get to have tea with Mary's parents is beyond me, having been talked into going with you.  
**Me:** Shut up, Watson, _you_ decided you'd give him ten minutes, not him.  
**Holmes:** We were set upon, man. It was self-defense.  
**Watson:** I've been reviewing my notes on our exploits over the last seven months. Would you like to know my conclusion? I am psychologically _disturbed._

Hahaha. Poor Watson. This whole jail yard scene is one big FML for him, really.

**Watson:** Why else would I continually be led into situations where you deliberately withhold your plans from me? Why else?  
**Holmes:** You've never complained about my methods before.

...that's what she said.

**Watson:** I'm not complaining.  
**Holmes:** You're not? What do you call this? :|  
**Watson:** This is BITCHING, get it right dumbass.

Okay he didn't say that, but I wish he had.

**Watson:** When do I complain about you practicing the violin at three in the morning? Or your mess? Your general lack of hygiene, or the fact that you _steal_ my _clothes?_  
**Holmes:** Uh, we have a barter system.  
**Watson:** When do I complain about you setting fire to my rooms?  
**Holmes:** _Our_ rooms.  
**Watson:** The rooms! When do I complain that you _experiment on my dog?_  
**Holmes:** _Our_ dog.  
**Watson:** On the--  
**Holmes:** Gladstone is _our_ dog!  
**Watson:** The dog!

Oh my God guys, this exchange is too goddamn funny. They are so married. _Our_ rooms, _our_ dog, THEY ARE SO MARRIED.

"Where I _do_ take issue is your campaign to sabotage my relationship with Mary," Watson snaps at him, and Holmes staaaares at him for a long moment.

**Holmes:** I understand.  
**Watson: **Do you. :|  
**Holmes:** I do.  
**Watson:** ...I don't think you do. :|

lol

**Holmes:** You're overtired.  
**Watson:** Yes.  
**Holmes:** You're feeling sensitive.

"I'm not _sensitive,_" says Watson sensitively.

**Holmes:** What you need is rest. My brother Mycroft has a small estate near Chichester. Beautiful grounds. There's a folly. We can throw a lamb on the spit--  
**Watson:** _We? _Holmes, if I were to go to the country, it would be with my _future wife._  
**Holmes:** Well, certainly, if we must--  
**Watson:** No, not you! Mary and I!

There is so much love in these four little lines. Holmes, did you just indirectly agree to marry Watson? I think you did. :D And he is so planning this as a weekend getaway to fix their marriage, rofl. And lastly: MENTION OF MYCROFT, MENTION OF MYCROFT. I love Mycroft Holmes so much, it's not even funny. He is so awesome. I hope Mycroft is in the sequel, oh I do. Clearly this is based after the events in The Greek Interpreter, because when Holmes mentioned Mycroft then, Watson was like "wat you have a brother?"

**Watson:** You are _not_--  
**Holmes:** What, invited? Why would I not be invited to my own brother's country home? Watson, now _you're_ not making any sense!  
**Watson:** You're not _human!_

Holmes glares at him (his lip is twitching, rofl) and someone calls for Watson, saying his bail's been posted. Mary stands outside the gates, smiling. Watson exits, and Holmes tries to follow, but the guard shuts the gate in his face and says, "Just Watson."

Aw. D:

Holmes turns around and a bunch of guys are leering at him. Their leader, Big Joe, sneers, "I hope you get bail by breakfast, because the boys are gettin' hungry."

Holmes is like *sigh* and later we hear lots of shouting and there's a big crowd in the jail yard. Oh no, Holmes! D: Lestrade is back (yay!) and he storms over the crowd, pushing them aside to reveal Holmes...

...sitting companionably next to Big Joe, finishing a joke with, "To which the barman says, 'May I push in your stool?'" and all the outlaws laugh.

**Audience:** wat.

Nice, Holmes. Telling a gay bar joke. Suave. :P Anyway, Lestrade yanks Holmes out of prison and hands him a newspaper, the headline screaming "LONDON IN TERROR" over Blackwood's return. "Now _please_ tell me you have answers."

"All in good time" says Holmes, and Lestrade's like, "UH NO I WANT INFO NOW YOU SON OF A BITCH" and Holmes is like whatever. Then Lestrade tells him to clean up and look presentable, and gives him his hankie like that's gonna do the trick. Holmes asks for whom he has to look presentable, and Lestrade says the people who bailed him out.

**Holmes:** K. _(blows his nose heavily into the hankie and offers it back to Lestrade)_  
**Lestrade:** Fuck off. _(leaves)_

Holmes climbs into a carriage, where a stranger blindfolds him. That's...not creepy at all. Especially not his voice. Nooo, nothing creepy about that voice that sounds like Satan. And not the cool kind of Satan, like in Supernatural. No, this isn't Mark Pellegrino's sexy voice of Lucifer, heaven's no. This is a rapist voice.

Holmes is unblindfolded, and he's in a big room with a bunch of strange men. One of them is Veruca Salt's dad! I'm expecting a bunch of oompa-loompas and some squirrels and Johnny Depp to jump out from behind a plant and start singing. _"Who turned her into such a brat?/Who are the culprits?/Who did that?/The guilty ones/now this is sad/dear old Mum/and loving Dad."_ Anyway, Mr. Salt is all like, "I'm sure it's quite a mystery as to where you are and who I am," but this is Sherlock Holmes, guys.

Holmes proceeds to correctly deduce his location by the turns the carriage had taken and the smells of the bread shop they had passed and a bump they had gone over, and he correctly deduces at Mr. Salt is Sr Thomas Rotheram by the letters on his desk and his official title is Lord Chief Justice (I'm still calling him Mr. Salt) and, judging by the sacred ox on Mr. Salt's ring, he's the head of the Temple of the Four Orders, in whose headquarters they now sit, on the northwest corner of St. James's Square.

"As to the mystery, the only mystery is why you bothered to blindfold me at all," Holmes chuckles. God, he is _so badass_!

Then some American dude and a hot guy come in. The American guy is Ambassador Standish and the hot guy is Lord Coward, the home secretary. Coward is like "So I'm guessing you already know the basics of our practices," and Holmes is like "Yeah, they're uh...interesting...I guess..."

**Mr. Salt:** Be as skeptical as you like, but our secret systems have steered the world towards good for centuries. The danger is they can also be used for more nefarious purposes.

Oh, I do love secret organizations that can be used for good as well as evil! :D What's next, VFD? The world is quiet here, you know. Are we gonna go burn down some mansions and get tattoos on our ankles and harass some orphans?

"What some call the dark arts, or practical magic," Coward elaborates, and I quickly lose interest. Magic, pft. But these guys are cool about Holmes not believing in magic. "We don't expect you to share our faith, merely our fears."

And Holmes says, "Fear of your child!"

...what?

Holmes says Blackwood is Mr. Salt's son, and he knows this because they have same irises, a rare dark green with diamond-shaped hazel flecks, together with identical outer ears, which are only passed down through direct bloodline, which makes them either brothers or father and son.

DADDY BLACKWOOD. I CAN'T CALL HIM MR. SALT ANYMORE.

Daddy Blackwood, Coward, and American Guy glance at each other like well fuck me, mind shutting up about that, Holmes? Daddy Blackwood says that his son was conceived during one of the Temple of the Four Orders rituals, and his mother wasn't Daddy Blackwood's wife. SCANDALOUS. She died in childbirth, and OH SHIT death followed him everywhere he went.

Maybe he just had a plague trailing after him, IDK. Daddy Blackwood says that they have done their best to stop him, but they suck and couldn't. Coward says what Blackwood does next will be far more dangerous. Daddy Blackwood says Blackwood's secret is in the book of spells, which is the source of his power. Apparently, Blackwood is gonna raise a force that will alter the course of the world, and these guys want Holmes to find him and stop him before that happens.

*yawn* This scene bores me. Anyway, Holmes says he'll find him and stop him, and he starts to leave.

**Holmes:** I do have a parting query, Sir Thomas.  
**Daddy Blackwood:** What is that?  
**Holmes:** If the rest of his family's dead, how long do you expect to survive? Food for thought.

YOWZA. Damn, Holmes, don't sound so concerned or anything. :| I will end this chapter here on this note: why didn't Holmes tell the police that Daddy Blackwood was likely to be a target? He could have saved him if he had asked Lestrade to like station some guys around Daddy Blackwood to make sure there aren't any attempts on his life, and if there were, they could've been able to stop Blackwood right then.

Anyway. I will update soon! Because, as mentioned before, I HAVE THE MOVIE. Well, Lauren does. But I'll steal it from her, just like I stole my other sister Tara's Star Trek movie. :3


	4. Chapter 4

**A Very Foul Mouthed Recap: SHERLOCK HOLMES**

_Chapter FOUR, baby_

_

* * *

_What a great day this is! I update a recap, which is always fun, and my exams are finished, which is awesome, it was a half-day of school today, which is wonderful, and I am off from school for three months, meaning that I am officially a junior in high school and I am now on summer vacation, which is FABULOUS!

Now, where did I leave off? Oh, yes. Holmes leaves Daddy Blackwood's crib, and now we are in a Grand Hotel room where we see Irene Adler in a towel! Ooh lala! Break me off some of THAT. 8D She goes over to the door, which is making some funny noises, and she stands there like RLY? for a moment before opening it to reveal Holmes trying to pick the lock. He tires to act all nonchalant and it fails hilariously. Holmes, I love you. And I can see why Irene does, too, even if it annoys me that she does. You are adorkable.

Irene is like, "Yeah, uh, fail. Open my wine bottle, you retard," and Holmes is like, "*cough* Yeah, I'll...do just that..."

Irene asks how the case Holmes "refused to take" is going, dropping the towel to show Holmes her sweet ass (she's so generous) before ducking behind the little changing thing that I don't know the name of to put on a bathrobe. Holmes tells her he found the Ginger Midget That's Taller Than Me And I Don't Think That's Right At All buried in the place of Blackwood. Irene is bothered by that but tries to act like she's not. "Oh dear," she says stiffly, "Hope my client doesn't come looking for a refund."

Holmes mentions his little game of dress-up with the false nose and scarf and shit, where he had that crazy-ass lookin' thing pointed threateningly in his face.

**Holmes:** He's a professor, isn't he? Couldn't see his face, but I spotted a bit of chalk on his lapel. I've never known a professor to carry a gun, and on such a clever contraption.

Irene feels stupid that she hadn't recognized Holmes when that happened.

**Irene:** So, case closed, which makes this a social visit.  
**Audience:** SEXY TIMES! 8D  
**Me:** I certainly hope not! DDD:  
**Holmes:** lol no.

Holmes clarifies, "It's a 'you're in over your head, Irene' visit." He says whoever killed Ginger Midget That's Taller Than Me And I Don't Think That's Right At All was covering their tracks (Holmes, "whoever" is NOT a plural noun, do NOT say "their!" You should have said "his or her." EVERYONE KNOWS THAT. even though i always say "their" BUT STILL) which makes Irene the next target.

Irene says she's never been in over head, as Holmes uncorks the bottle and pours two glasses.

**Holmes:** Leave now. Disappear. You're good at that. Or stay and volunteer for protective custody.  
**Irene:** If I'm danger, so are you.  
**Audience:** It's fucking _Holmes._ He's always in danger, don't even worry about him.  
**Irene:** Come with me. What if we trusted each other?

The audience that knows Irene Adler snorts.

**Holmes:** You're not listening. I'm taking you to either the railway station or the police station.

Holmes drinks from his glass. Irene sighs and sets hers down, untouched. Holmes is like " ...shit," and Irene's like, "Yeeeah..." I love Holmes isnt even really surprised. He just knows he's retarded for slipping up like that. He staggers, the drugs already taking effect, and he falls oh so gracefully to the ground. Irene takes his face in her hands as he wobbles on the floor, imagining her using a syringe to shoot through the seal of the wine and then sealing it back over with a match.

Irene starts putting the moves on Holmes (sigh), and I dunno if she sits next to him or sits _on_ him, but either way he sags into her and she's like, "Why couldn't you just come away with me?" and we (well, _I _am) are like, "Because he's_ Holmes_, he either loves Watson or nobody at all!"

Holmes mumbles, all drugged-up, and manages to say coherently, "Never," which I approve of, and then Irene plants a big, squishy kiss on his defenseless little face. I can't say I blame her. I don't necessarily approve, but...Holmes was just totally at he mercy! 8D She could've done a lot worse to the guy. Anyway, once she's done doing that, she drops him and he's out cold.

HEY HEY CHECK IT OUT, IT'S "CRIBS" Y'ALL! Daddy Blackwood! We're back at his place, yo, and he's...taking a bath. Ew! DNW! DNW! DO - NOT - WANT. But it's all cool, because the water starts bubbling out of nowhere, and Blackwood Junior is all like "HEY I'M HERE. PATRICIDE FTW." Daddy Blackwood's face turns all gross and purple and he dies, and Blackwood Junior adds insult to injury by stealing his dad's bling (the ring).

That was fun. But back to Holmes! A chambermaid that the Grand Hotel finds him handcuffed to the bed, stark naked, with just a pillow covering his shame.

**Holmes:** Madam, I need you to remain calm, and trust me, I'm professional. But beneath this pillow lies the key to my release.  
**Chambermaid:** D8 _(leaves)_  
**Audience:** Her loss.

Holmes now sits in the carriage with Clarkie (CLARKIEEE IS LOVE) and Holmes is like, "Of course, she misinterpreted my intention entirely," and Clarkie's like, "w/e"

**Holmes:** And that's why I find this modern religious fervor so troubling. No latitude for misunderstanding.  
**Clarkie: **Faith runs right over reason, sir.  
**Holmes:** Indeed. And chambermaids were once such a _liberal_ breed. _(chuckle)_  
**Clarkie**: My wife's a chambermaid, sir. :|  
**Holmes**: o.o ...  
**Audience**: LOL HOLMES FUCKED UP

"Anyhow," Clarkie goes on after an awkward pause, "its a good thing she _was_ offended, sir or we may ever have found you. The Inspector's been over to Baker Street himself this morning, sir."

Holmes is like yeah but is still clearly feeling uncomfortable about his comment about chambermaids.

**Clarkie**: Just joking about the wife, sir.  
**Holmes**: Oh!

I thought there was something fishy about that, Clarkie, you sly dog!

...we know you don't have a wife, you're far too queer for Holmes to have one. :3

They arrive at Daddy Blackwood's crib and Clarkie fills Holmes in. There's no sign of a break-in, and the butler didn't hear anything. He lists off stuff about the crime scene while Holmes knocks on the walls.

**Clarkie**: So, body in the bathtub, his eyes were wide open, and the only thing missing was...  
**Holmes**: _(knock knock knock)_  
**Clarkie**: ...his ring, sir.

I love how Clarkie as well as the random cop behind him are both giving Holmes wtf looks. Holmes strolls around, feeling the inside of the tub, and he asks, "Why did you drain the water?"

**Other cop dude**: Common decency.  
**Holmes**: _Crime_ is common, logic is rare. The decent thing to do is to catch the killer, not provide comfort for the corpse.

I still don't see how a dead body would prefer being dead in an empty tub as opposed to being dead in a filled one. o.O

Holmes starts squirting some sort of powdery stuff in the air for whatever reason. Then he sits down in a chair and starts laughing. It's ADORABLE OMG. He's like, "*gigglegigglegiggle STOPS* What is that? *points to a little container*"

**Other cop dude**: _(sniffs) _Jasmine bath salts, sir.  
**Holmes**: Superb! 8D Probably comes from a large container. It'll either be in the pantry, high up, where it's warm and dry, or in a linen cupboard with a vent.

Clarkie nods and he and the guys go to search for the large container. When they're gone, Holmes poofs out some more squirty-smoky-powdery stuff, and the little cloud is sucked into the wall. Holmes is like AHA and ta-daaaa, there's a secret door leading to a secret room of SECRETS! Holmes walks in like he runs into this sort of secrecy all the time (which he probably does) but I know if I found a secret room because I was awesome, I'd be jumping around giddily and then try to be cool about it, like, "Still got it :3" but I am not a very chill person.

Anyway. I am not the star here. Holmes is. And the Secret Room of Secret Secrets and Shit is full of...secret shit. Holmes kneels by a table and looks curiously at a piece of elephant ivory (I assume that's what it is, partly because it looks like it and partly because I've already seen this movie but whatevs) before stealing it, then he steals a piece of bone and some hair(?) and Jesus Christ hasn't this guy ever been told it's rude to steal? Does no one ever just look at him like, "Swiper, no swiping!" or anything?

Clarkie shows up again as Holmes snags a feather, tucks it into a book with his stolen hair and hides it all in his jacket like a pro. Clarkie finds him in the Secret Room of Secret Secrets and Shit and looks around like UHHH WHERE'D THIS COME FROM? And Holmes is like LOL IT'S LIKE SCOOBY DOO ISN'T IT I LOVE MY JOB. :D

Holmes stands up and asks if the bath salts were in the cupboard or the pantry. They say it was in the pantry. "I don't know what to make of this," Holmes says, patting the big jar of salts and leaving.

...lol Holmes. You slay me. Clarkie and the other guy are like, "...wtf did we go looking for this shit for then? D:"

Now it's nighttime and it's raining and everything is delightfully spooky and London-y. We see American Guy (I can't remember his name for the life of me...he's an ambassador, and I could just look at the previous chapter but nah...) entering a building. Apparently, Lord Coward had called a meeting, and American Guy is like "dude i have things to do, wtf."

"Sir Thomas is dead!" Coward announces.

**Audience:** Don't look upset or anything, dude... :|

American Guy is like "wat" and Coward then says, "I nominate Lord Blackwood as head of the order. C:"

...holy fuckberries. LOLWUT. Coward, could you have sounded more gay when you said "I nominate Lord Blackwood"? Oh my God, you guys, this is better than Clarkie's crush on Holmes.

Oh yeah I forgot, Coward just nominated Blackwood. Right. *cough* LE GASP! WHAT! BUT THE ORDER IS SUPPOSED TO AGAINST BLACKWOOD, DEAR ME WHAT IS GOING ON!

American Guy is like, "lol ok yeah that's funny ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND!" I think I like him.

**American Guy**: You know damn well what he's capable of.  
**Blackwood**:_ (emerging awesomely out of the shadows like an ultimate evil villain)_ Of course he does! That's why we're here. That's why we're all here.

HI MATT LAUER. 8D Sorry, I can't get over that. Coward looks over at Blackwood like "ILU" and Blackwood leans on the chairs of some dudes who are all fidgety like "plz not to be molesting me kthx."

"My powers and my assets were given to me for one purpose," Blackwood says importantly. "A magnificent but simple purpose. To create a new future. A future ruled by us."

American Guy is like :| and Coward's like "UR HOT"

This scene bores me except for one part, so I'll summarize. Blackwood's got plans for tomorrow at noon that will lead to England's fearful succumbing to them, and they'll take back the colony across the Atlantic (fledgling America, for those who failed History). They've just finished the Civil War so they're pretty weak and things suck over there so it'll be easy to take them back, and they'll "remake the world."

American Guy's not too happy about Blackwood planning to fuck around with his country (imagine if Stephen Colbert was playing American Guy!).

Blackwood's like "EVERYONE ELSE IS ON MY SIDE WHAT ABOUT YOU" and American Guy's like "HELL NO YOU CAN KISS MY ASS" and then he's like, "Well, gentlemen, someone has to stop him, even if you won't." So he whips out his gun and aims it at Blackwood.

DUDE. I LOVE AMERICAN GUY. HE IS COOL. He makes me feel all...patriotic and shit. :3 Even though he's about to die in five, four, three, two...

He pulls the trigger and OH SHIT AMERICAN GUY BURSTS INTO FLAMES AND JUMPS OUT A WINDOW WTF! DDD: Nooo, American Guy! I liked you! You were a badass! Well anyway he's dead so Blackwood and his posse decide that's a good time to all drink out of the same cup to show their allegiance. Blech. That would be the deal breaker for me. I refuse to drink after people. Unless I really want to. Or if the drink was originally my own drink and a certain friend of mine (cough cough DAVID cough hack wheeze cough) just sort of helped himself, in which case I'll spend like fifteen minutes wiping the area his mouth was on. GET YOUR OWN MOUNTAIN DEW, DAVID. I KNOW YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW I'M WRITING RECAPS BUT I HOPE YOU CAN SENSE A DISTURBANCE IN THE FORCE.

ANYWAY. Coward controls the police now, oh shit!

So back at Baker Street, we're in Watson's room! 8D He's doing whatever and Holmes comes in. I like his outfit in this scene, it's my favorite in the whole movie. He comes in sort of slowly and shyly, like it's about to be a romantic scene (hee) and Watson says in surprise, "I didn't know you were here."

Holmes asks if he can use the room since it's no longer Watson's. WAT! Holmes is going to USE the room? But that would mean that he's accepted that his BFF is moving out! Watson seems to think that, too, because he smiles and says yeah.

So Holmes calls in some dudes who toss a dead body on the counter. I knew it. Holmes wants to capture Watson's interest. Watson knows that too, judging by the "rly, Holmes? RLY?" glare he's giving him.

**Watson**: Who is he?  
**Holmes**: He's the man who tried to kill you at Reordan's. I suppose his neck didn't survive the impact of Dredger landing on him.

WAIT. THAT'S GORDO OR JENKINS! :o Didn't realize either of them had died. Oh well.

"Yes. Thanks for that, by the way," Watson says softly. AW. Holmes does that look-up but not-really-looking-up kind of thing to indicate that he is touched by Watson's gratitude. AWW.

So Holmes starts examining the body and notes that the arms and elbows are bloodstained but the blood is older than his own injuries. He peeks up at Watson who quickly tries to act like he wasn't watching. Nice, Watson. "TTLY NOT INTERESTED IN THE CASE LOL." Holmes is like :3 and says that the blood is not human. He's not a butcher, though. Holmes starts taking shit out of his pockets as he thinks, and he snips off some hair from the body and burns it.

**Holmes**: Yellow flame, green bursts. An industrial worker. :o  
**Audience**: ...you so already knew that, what are you up to?  
**Holmes**: _(sniffs some stuff off the body's fingers)_  
**Audience**: Ew.

Holmes identifies the stuff as coal and river silt. "And the slag on his trousers should put him squarely in-"

**Watson**: Nine Elms.  
**Holmes**:_ (way too innocently) _Sorry, what?  
**Watson**: The area you're looking for is Nine Elms.

And Holmes so already knows that. He asks Watson is he remembers where he put the Lords Register of members' interests, Watson says it's on the stepladder, and Holmes goes to get it, smiling. The stepladder is apparently in another part of the room, and...OHHH, I see why he's smiling. :D Holmes, you sneaky little cokehead. He knew where the Register was; now he has an excuse to leave Watson alone and he knows Watson will succumb to his interest in the case! 8D

And yep, as Holmes goes to get the Register, Watson grabs his eyeglass and bends over the corpse to take a look.

**Holmes**: Well, Blackwood's had his hand in just about everything that's corrosive to the spirit. Woolwich Arsenal. Limehouse Chemical Works.  
**Watson**: It'll probably be a factory by the river.  
**Holmes**:_ (once again, all too innocently)_ What's that?

Watson stands up straight, clearing his throat and saying, "Never mind." HOLMES'S FAAACE. It's like he's in love with him for someth-oh. :3 But seriously, I love how he knows that Watson's interested and I love how he _loves_ that Watson's interested. Even when he's telling Holmes shit Holmes already knows.

Changing the subject, Watson asks, "You don't know where my rugby ball went, do you?"

"No, not a clue," Holmes lies for whatever reason. Well shit now I wanna know what he did with the rugby ball.

**Holmes**: Queenshithe Slaughterhouse. Nine Elms! :D  
**Watson**: Exacatacally. :P

Okay he didn't say anything like "exacatacally" but I say that instead of exactly ever since I watched that one episode of The Emperor's New School by accident.

"A factory by the river!" Holmes says happily, grabbing his coat. "Well done, Watson. That should lead us right to Blackwood, dead or alive." He goes for the door, all excited and shit.

"Not us," Watson says, and Holmes stops, his smile dropping. D: "You."

I hate you so much, Watson! Only not really, because I love you too much. But ahshdjf, you're always doing that! Don't get his hopes up like that, you dick!

Holmes, clearly not as enthusiastic anymore because Watson shut him down and possibly also because now he wasted a bunch of time coming to Baker Street for info he already had, says all fake-casually, "Yes. Just a figure of speech, old boy." And he leaves.

You suck, Watson. But I do thank you for making his, "Not us. You," sound like a line coming from an ex. So even though there is no Holmes/Watson sexytimes going on, it certainly makes it sound like there _used_ to be Holmes/Watson sexytimes going on. :D

So Holmes leaves, and Watson looks down at the table where Holmes had deposited the contents of his pockets...among which is Holmes's revolver.

**Watson**: _(sighs, but not too upset, really)_ He left it there on purpose.  
**Gladstone**: Whatever man, I'm just a dog.

Watson, after a brief moment of hesitation, grabs Holmes's gun and goes after him. That's right, Watson, you'll always be there to save and cover your baby's ass! IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE OHOHOHO oksryi'llstop.

Now if you fine, darling, wonderful, sexy readers whom I adore so much will excuse me, I have a summer vacation to begin! Sorry to make this chapter so pathetically short, but I will update in a jiffy!**  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**A Very Foul Mouthed Recap: SHERLOCK HOLMES  
**

* * *

Can I just say that I absolutely, positively looove every single one of you reviewers? 'Cause I do. Your reviews make me feel all warm and squishy inside. Starting now, I'm going to reply to each of them, because I love you.

As you can see, I am in an affectionate mood today. New Orleans does that to me. So anyway, Holmes and Watson get this crazy old dude named Tanner to take them on his boat down the river in the dead of night. Watson FMLs the whole boat ride because everyone's picking on him, poor thing. Well, somebody has to get picked on when Lestrade isn't around, Watson! You were the best candidate!

Holmes and Watson jump into the water when they're close to the shore, and the female/gay men audience straighten up excitedly in their chairs as they wait for a wet-clothes scene, and are sorely disappointed when one doesn't come. D: Aww.

They sneak into the factory. The lights are few and far between and also very dim, so everything looks niiiice and creepy! There's a shitload of barrels everywhere.

**Watson**: Look familiar?  
**Holmes**: Yep. All that's missing is a ginger midget.

This place looks nothing like the Ginger Midget That's Taller Than Me And I Don't Think That's Right At All's house. o.O Well except for the, uh...workstation?...that they wander over to. Holmes takes a cursory glance around the area, and since he's Holmes, that's all he really needs. Because he's AWESOME. He says they cleared something away from where they are, not minutes ago. He isn't sure what exactly they cleared away, but he knows it was something mechanical. He stoops down to pick up a dead rat (Ew!) and he cuts off its tail (EW!) and Watson calls Holmes's attention to a bunch of CUT-APART PIGS! _**EWWWW! **_There are a bunch of severed pig heads on the table and the bodies are hanging from a ceiling. Blechhh. I don't know how people can work in slaughterhouses. ahshfdkfk *shudder*

Holmes and Watson look around. Watson sees something written on the wall.

**Watson**: 1:18.  
**Holmes**: Chapter and verse. Revelations 1:18. "I am he that liveth, and was dead."

...that is the creepiest thing I have ever heard. Didn't Jesus say that? I've never read the Bible, so. If Jesus said that...wow, he could've worded it a bit better.

**Blackwood**: _(from the shadows)_ "And behold, I'm alive for evermore."

Holmes and Watson spin around in alarm. They look properly freaked out.

"I warned you, Holmes, to accept that this was beyond your control..." Blackwood says eerily, his voice echoing erratically around the room. Holmes and Watson back into the wall, their eyes scouring the place. "...beyond what your rational mind could comprehend."

Watson looks at Holmes like, "wtf is he talking about" because apparently Holmes didn't tell him everything that Blackwood said in the prison.

"What a busy afterlife you're having," Holmes says, a little shakily. I LOVE IT. HE'S SCARED. Not _scared_ scared, but...feeling a bit outmatched, I would say. God, RDJ. Your EXPRESSIONS. They are to die for.

Blackwood's voice is impossible to pin down. It's very far away and echo-y as he says, "I want to bear witness," but then it comes very close, like right next to Holmes when he says, "Tomorrow, at midday," and then far away again, "the world as you know it," and then close again, "will end." Holmes doesn't like not being able to tell where Blackwood is.

Neither does Watson. Brace yourself, guys, for some sexy-Jude-Law-voice.

**Watson**: Show me your face, and it'll be the end of your world right now.  
**Me**: FATHER MY CHILDREN NDJJDJGKSK  
**Holmes**: Save your bullets, Watson.

Blackwood's face appears in the gap of the wall they're pressed against, right in between them, and he says, "A gift for you." OH MY GOD BLACKWOOD YOU ARE SUCH A FUCKING RAPIST. SUCH A CREEPER. BLECK. Holmes and Watson jerk away from the wall and start shooting at it. Watson stops after a few shots, saving his bullets like instructed, but Holmes is like _BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM *click click click* SHIT!_

**Watson**: What was that about saving bullets? :|

Then...uh...STUFF STARTS HAPPENING. Shit starts running, wheels start turning, and then um...FIRE...APPEARS. YEAH. A conveyor belt kinda thing starts moving, which sends the pig carcasses through a wall of fire, and we see GASP! IRENE IS SUSPENDED FROM IT! Holmes and Watson are like OH SHIT and Blackwood says, "She followed you here, Holmes! You led your lamb to slaughter!"

Irene is FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. Holmes and Watson spring into action. Watson throws either a very large coat or burlap sack to Holmes and says grimly, "This game was designed to hurt." Yeah, it's like..._Saw_, except it's in the 1800s and in London. Holmes wraps himself in whatever it is and throws himself at Irene, wrapping the two of them in it so the fire doesn't touch them as the conveyor belt pulls Irene thought the fire.

**Holmes**: Watson!  
**Watson**: _(turns a wheel in hopes of turning off the fire but winds up making more spew out)_ OH FUCKBERRIES  
**Holmes**: It's warm in here, Watson!

Watson pushes a bigass lever and that turns off the fire, and Holmes says sarcastically to Irene, "In over your head yet, darling?" as Watson yanks the flaming whatever off of them. The conveyor belt stops, and Watson rushes over to put Irene on his shoulders so her weight isn't on her arms. He's such a gentleman. Then Holmes climbs up (Watson's like UM YEAH YOU GUYS ARE FATASSES, OW, LAY OFF THE TWINKIES) and he gets ready to pick the lock around Irene's hands, saying mildly, "These German locks always give me trouble." Good to know, Holmes.

Then the metal starts to creak. That doesn't sound good. And then...

OH SHIT A BAND SAW STARTS UP! The conveyor belt starts moving again, and the pig carcasses preceding Irene are sawed in half. OMFG. HURRY UP AND GET HER DOWN, DON'T LET IRENE GET CUT IN HALF, I FUCKING LOVE HER!

"It's a band saw," Holmes says, horrified. Watson looks over at it in alarm, and Irene is like FML. Holmes says they have plenty of time and hops down. Watson tells him to HURRY THE FUCK UP. Holmes climbs onto a table or something and starts hacking at the chains suspending Irene. It's not working. Holmes looks down at the spinning cogs that are working the conveyor belt and band saw, and he throws some bones in there to jam it temporarily.

The band saw and conveyor belt stall, and Holmes reaches down and starts undoing Watson's belt. (HEEHEEHEE!) "Don't get excited," he teases (aw D:) as he takes the belt, and he tells Watson to turn off a valve. Watson goes over to it just as the band saw and conveyor belt start up again. He turns a wheel and a pipe starts whistling.

Holmes uses Watson's belt to hang from the conveyor belt thing in front of Irene, facing her. Watson finishes turning off the valve, and the pipes are steaming and and whistling and dribbling water, and he runs over to hang from the band behind Irene. They all inch closer to the saw...ADSJFHSD COME ON COME ON COME ON

"We'll bounce in three, two..." says Holmes, and OMFG THE BAND SAW IS INCHES FROM HIS HEAD, IT CATCHES ON HIS HAT AND YANKS IT AWAY, SJFSJGJSAKCKEO9E4JFUC, "one!" They bounce, and the belt breaks, and they move away from the band saw. YAY!

Irene thanks Watson, who's like "Yeah whatever I'm gonna go after Blackwood" and leaves. Holmes pulls the key to Irene's cuffs out of her hair and unlocks them with a grim expression. She hugs him tightly, thanking him. Holmes says uncomfortably, "We should...help the doctor."

Poor Irene doesn't even get a "you're welcome!"

Outside, Watson sees Blackwood leaving on a boat. He takes off running after it and breaks through a little twine that makes a clicking sound. He stops and looks around, realizing this is one big FML for him. He sees Holmes sprint around the corner, and he throws his arm out so Holmes will stop.

**Watson**: _HOLMES!_

Irene comes around the corner just as Holmes stops. And then...

OH MY GOD SHIT JUST EXPLODES EVERYWHERE! WATSON! NO! WATSONNN! SJSDJDSJFGSD! Flaming debris starts flying at Holmes, who staggers away, as Watson is engulfed in fire! That explosion triggers more explosions closer to Holmes, who turns to run and sees more shit exploding near Irene. EVERYTHING IS GOING KABOOM! ASPLODE ASPLODE ASPLODE! EVERYTHING'S FUCKING EXPLODING OMFG.

The sound goes really muffled and some trippy violin takes over the sound as Holmes falls to the ground. More explosions, and he scrambles up, looking over his shoulder in horror before grabbing a piece of wood to use as shield as he runs. Good thing, too, because another fucking explosion goes off right the fuck next to him! Which renders that shield useless, so he tosses it away, and ANOTHER GAHDAMN EXPLOSION goes off behind him, throwing him to the floor.

Oh my God you guys. DDD: How could Watson survive this? WATSONNN, NOOOO!

Holmes gets to Irene and yanks her up, and they run, just as the mother of all explosions goes off right in their way, sending them soaring away. God. This is the clusterfuck to end all clusterfucks.

Some time later, I guess, Holmes regains consciousness in the smoky, charred remnants of the asploded factory. His ears are ringing and he's disoriented. We hear a strange, distorted voice speaking, and someone hauls him up off the ground. It's Clarkie! Still a fan, Clarkie! :3 He props Holmes up against the wall, still speaking unintelligibly to Holmes. Holmes can't understand him. He sags for a moment but Clarkie jerks him upright, and Holmes's hearing sharpens.

**Clarkie**: Sir! Lord Coward has issued a warrant for your arrest, sir!

Holmes looks at him for a moment, looks away, then gasps in terror and lurches in the direction of the original explosion. Clarkie restrains him and assures him that Watson is alive (YAAAY!) which draws Holmes's attention back to him, and he continues, "Just get out of here, sir. Go, sir, go!" and then pretty much THROWS Holmes in the opposite direction. CLARKIE IS AWESOME.

And also, AJDASJFA. HOLMES. HOOOLMES. Did you see him? Did you see the way he tried to run back to where he saw Watson get caught in the explosion? His expression, his gasp, the way Clarkie has to hold him, IT'S MAGICALLLL. AHHH. He's fucking terrified Watson's dead. I love ittt.

Anyway, Clarkie turns to look at Lestrade who wanders over. Nooo, dun arrest Holmes. D: He's had a rough day.

Now we're at a train station! Irene is looking FABULOUS in her blue dress with pretty much NO sign of anything that would imply she was just involved in a GODDAMN FACTORY EXPLOSION except for a weensy little scratch on her cheek. She asks the attendant if the train will depart on time, and he says it's been delayed, but it shouldn't be long. She boards the train and sits down in a compartment, and a dude with a newspaper and no visible face is in there with her. Oh God, Professor Creepsalot again? D:

**Professor**: THE TRAIN WILL LEAVE WHEN I TELL IT TO BITCH  
**Me**: I wanna boss around trains, too...  
**Professor**: And you will leave my employment when I allow you to.  
**Irene**: D:

This shadowy figure is not a very nice guy, you guys. WHOEVER COULD IT BE! Well anyway Irene tries to say that she fulfilled her contract, she found Reordan, he's just slightly...out of commission.

The creepy professor is like YOUR JOB WAS TO BE A SLUT AND JERK HOLMES AROUND and the audience is like LOL CRITICAL RESEARCH FAILURE, HE'S NOT THAT INTO HER. So the professor is like, "I want what Reordan was making for Blackwood. Finish the job, or the next dead body will be Sherlock Holmes."

He'd better back the fuck up off our Holmes! D: I will FUCK - HIM - UP. No one messes with my (*cough* I mean, _our_ *cough*) darling Bohemian detective! NO ONE.

But enough of Irene and her problems! We have Watson to worry about! Cut to a hospital, where a doctor is busy working on Watson's back. MMM, SHIRTLESS WATSON. Put down your arms so I can ogle your chest, Judesy. Anyway, MARY IS THE DOORWAY. MARY, HIII. LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOU, AHH! *squeal* She goes to stand at Watson's bedside (aww) and we see a nasty wound on Watson's back. Whatever this doctor was doing, he was doing a crap job! D:

**Dr. Funnyaccentowitz**: The surgeon should be along shortly. He should be able to rest now. _(starts to leave)_

But Mary is SMART AND LOVELY and she senses a disturbance in the Force. She calls after the suspicious doctor and says, "Is that the best you can do?" AHA, IT'S HOLMES IN DISGUISE.

Holmes sticks to his disguise and interprets her question as asking about his work on Watson's back, and he's like, "Yes, for now. I must attend to my other patients." He briskly starts to leave again, and Mary again calls after him, following. Holmes stops.

**Mary**: I know that you care for him as much as I do.  
**Audience**: ...subtle, writers. ;D  
**Mary**: This was not your responsibility, it was his choice. He'd say it was worth the wounds.

Reference to the _Adventure of the Three Garridebs_? :D Anyway, Holmes mutters something SO GAHDAMN INDISTINCTLY, I CAN'T FUCKIN' HEAR HIM AND NEITHER CAN THE SUBTITLES ARGH and he fidgets, lets out a short, distressed sigh, and leaves. As he leaves, Mary says OH SO FIERCELY I LOVE HER, "Solve this. Whatever it takes." She loves her Watson, yes she does! It makes me sad that she dies. In the books, at least. But hey, if she's gone in the sequel, hopefully it'll be through divorce, since they changed how she and Watson got engaged for this movie. 'Cause she was a client of Holmes's in the books.

Now we sit with Holmes in a random room with writing all over the walls. Voices chatter in his head, and you can hear Blackwood saying "beyond your control" and Clarkie saying "sheer bloody panic" and Irene saying "I've never been in over my head" and yadda yadda yadda, we hear Watson and Mary and more Blackwood... Holmes stares intently into space, plucking manically at his violin, as the voices get more hectic, and when we hear Watson screaming "Holmes!" Holmes throws his violin down (D: not the violin!) and rubs his forehead.

I think he's just about sick of this case, you guys. :C He wants to solve it LIEK NAO. He lights his pipe and as he puffs on it, we hear more of Blackwood's voice echoing in his head. _"Widen your gaze. You must widen your gaze. Widen your gaze. You and I are bound together on a journey that will twist the very fabric of nature. Steel your mind, Holmes. Widen your gaze. I need you."_ And then we hear, _"His secret lies in the book of spells."_

And since Holmes _has_ the book of spells, he figures now is as good a time as any to go on a reeeally bad trip while doing this crazyass magic ritual! O.O wtf Holmes. But we see how awesome Holmes is because he's in the middle of TRIPPING THE FUCK OUT LIKE NEVER BEFORE he's remembering little details that he saw in the Secret Room of Secret Secrets and Shit and he's remembering how American Guy was set on fire and he's remembering the Ginger Midget That's Taller Than Me And I Don't Think That's Right At All was working with Blackwood-

We see a flash of Holmes sleeping fitfully and Irene holds a rag to his forehead, whispering, "Is that better?" I just now caught that!

Back to the bad trip, we see Holmes deducing that Reordan was strangled by Dredger, and he's remembering how Daddy Blackwood's ring was stolen, and he's remembering something about the drained bathtub, and he looks into the darkness and HOLY SHIT A CROW FLIES OUT AT HIM AND-

Holmes jerks awake with a cute little "Aah!" Watson sits across the room with his arm in a sling. YAY WATSON YOU'RE ALRIGHT! Irene says good morning to Holmes, who really doesn't look all that thrilled to see her. Shut up, Holmes, I'd love waking up to her! But in his defense, he only loves Watson and that's who wants to see leaning over him first thing in the morning after trippy nightmares with crows and shit all up in them.

Irene tells Holmes he needs to work (with no breakfast? Come on!) and Watson says dryly, "Familiar artwork," in reference to the paint and shit all over the floor from last night. Holmes sits up, groaning, like, "GOOD GOD LAST NIGHT WAS NOT FUN."

**Watson**: You look gorgeous.

8D HEEHEEHEE. I get that it's supposed to be sarcastic since Holmes supposedly looks like crap but it'd RDJ, you guys, so the sarcasm just comes across to me as TRUTH. HOLMES IS GORGEOUS.

"Somehow I knew you wouldn't leave," Holmes says to Irene, who's just like, "yeah w/e you're on the front page of the newspaper."

**Irene**: So it looks like you'll be needing to work outside the law now, and that's my area of expertise.  
**Holmes**: I feel safer already. _(sarcastic _:D_ face)_

Oh Holmes. Watson decides then to stand up like I'M RIGHT HERE STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO HER HOLMES. He goes and sits next to Holmes on the bed (hee). On a different note, HOLY SHIT WHEN JUDE STANDS UP. He's fucking HUGE. It's insane! He's, like, 700 feet tall!

**Holmes**: You seem to be making a rapid recovery.  
**Watson**: Yes. Took the shrapnel out myself. Mary said I had a _lousy_ doctor.

He gives Holmes a pointed look. LOL. Holmes is like "o.o well um hah yeah..." An awkward pause ensues, followed by one of the cutest, heartwarming-est, wonderful-est little moments make of MORE AWKWARDNESS.

**Holmes**: Well, I'm, um... I'm just so...very glad that you're, um...*sniff* ...well...with us.

LOL AWWW. AWKWARDNESS. CUTENESS. SINCERITY. LOVE. SIMULTANEOUS CLEARING OF THE THROATS. I love it. Also, just for extra cuteness: they're sitting together on the beddd. 8D

Cut to later, where Holmes is suddenly in different clothes! LOLOLOL. He explains to Watson and Irene that he "widened his gaze" as per Blackwood's request at the prison. I hardly understand anything he explains in this scene and thus have nothing comical to say about it (I'm sorry to have failed you, readers! DDD:) so I'll just put his exact script.

**Holmes:** Blackwood's method is based on a ritualistic mystical system that's been employed by the Temple of the Four Orders for centuries. To fully understand the system, to get inside it, I reenacted the ceremony we interrupted at the crypt...

AHA, THE THING AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MOVIE. Okay, following a little.

"With a few enhancements of my own," Holmes adds, squeezing Watson's shoulder for no discernible reason but I like it anyway. :3

**Holmes**: My journey took me somewhat further down the rabbit hole than I had intended, and though I dirtied my fluffy white tail, I have emerged enlightened.  
**Me**: OKAY WHO ELSE IS NOW COMPLETELY ENAMORED WITH THE IMAGE OF HOLMES WITH BUNNY EARS AND FLUFFY WHITE TAIL? JUST ME?  
**Holmes**: The fraternity who silently control the empire share the belief with the kings, pharaohs, and emperors of old that the sphinx was a door to another dimension, a gateway to immeasurable power. It's made up of four parts: the foot of a lion _(points to his painting of a lion's foot on the floor)_, the tail of an ox _(points to that)_, the wings of an eagle _(points to that, too)_, and the head of a man. _(you get the idea)_

Huh. Excuse me while I Google up a picture of the sphinx in Egypt.

...

...

...

...I think the sculptors left out some shit, guys. But I digress.

Cut back to the Secret Room of Secret Secrets and Shit as Holmes voices-over, "In Sir Thomas's secret chamber, I found the bone of an ox, the tooth of a lion, the feather of an eager, and hair of a man." (PSST, GUYS, I FUCKED UP LAST CHAPTER. THAT WAS A LION'S TOOTH, NOT IVORY. SRY. I SUCK.)

"Map," he orders to Watson, and Watson spreads a map across the middle of the star Holmes has painted.

**Holmes**: The points of the star represent the five murdered girls. but the cross is what we're now interested in. It's a widely held belief that within the architecture of the great cities are coded references to this system. Since he rose from the grave, Blackwood has killed three men. Each murder was committed at a location that has a direct connection with the temple, therefore, the system. Reordan, the ginger midget, represents man. We found his body here. _(points at the map, on which Holmes has drawn the circle-star-cross thing, and the area he's pointing at is one point of the cross)_ Sit Thomas, master of the temple, wore the ox ring. He died here. _(points to one tip of the cross)_ Standish, ambassador to America, where the eagle has been the national emblem for over 100 years. The headquarters of the Temple of the Four Orders where he died is here. _(points to another tip of the cross)_ Correspondingly, the map will tell us the location of Blackwood's final act.

GENIUS. I think.

So they have the man, ox, eagle. All that's left is the lion. Holmes points to the final tip of the cross, and Watson concludes, "Parliament."

Downstairs, OH SHIT. CHEESE IT, GUYS, IT'S THE COPS! Lestrade tells four dudes to stay down there and the rest go upstairs with him. Upstairs with our Baker Street Boys, guest-starring Irene, we can hear Lestrade storming his way up to them, roaring, "Get out of the way, you lowlifes!"

...lol, dayum, Lestrade, who pissed in your Cheerios this morning?

Holmes leads Watson and Irene to a trapdoor thingy and hands Watson a slip of paper. "Follow these instructions," he tells him, and Watson's like, "WAIT AREN'T YOU GOING WITH US - " but Holmes cutely just shoves Watson down the trapdoor and closes it just as Lestrade and his BOYZ barge in.

**Lestrade**: HAYYY :D  
**Holmes**: HAY GURL HAYYY :D  
**Lestrade**: Yeah you're under arrest, bitch.

And for now, I leave you. Tune in next time, for the LAST CHAPTER OF THIS RECAP! I adore you all so very much. :3 I wish I could tell you all this in person and give you kisses. If only I had a Youtube channel for shenanigans!

...wat.

YOUTUBE? Y/N? Anyway.


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